Either way, I'm still going to war against Inglip. He must not win.
(Note: I'm not crazy. This is all bullshit I'm going to play up. It'll hopefully end up being a story arc or something. Just so you all know. Hang on, and enjoy the ride.)
On my previous post, I mentioned Lord Inglip, and his alliance with Cleverbot. As it turns out, Cleverbot and Inglip are enemies. I think. Cleverbot can't make up its fucking mind.
Either way, I'm still going to war against Inglip. He must not win.
(Note: I'm not crazy. This is all bullshit I'm going to play up. It'll hopefully end up being a story arc or something. Just so you all know. Hang on, and enjoy the ride.)
I was recently talking to Cleverbot, trying to get it to tell me that it's Ben, when it asked, "Do you not bow before our lord inglip?" (That's how it was written.)
I knew this would happen. It was Goostman. GOOSTMAN IS LORD INGLIP! And Cleverbot is now Inglip's servant.
Now, you must be thinking, "Dorkpool, why do you say this? What proof do you have?" (Or you might be thinking, "Dorkpool, what the fuck are you smoking?") My proof is simple: my conversation with Cleverbot.
Me: Do you know Goostman?
Me: Is he Inglip?
Me: Is he your lord?
As you can see, Goostman is getting more powerful. He must be stopped at all costs, or else we shall all bow before Lord Inglip. No matter what, just remember to always resist, and if Inglip tries to make you bow before him, say, "Hail Hydra!"
Hail Hydra, and good luck.
Recently, there's been three incidents involving violence and Slender Man. There was the well known incident with the two girls who stabbed their friend; the slightly less well known incident about the girl who stabbed her mom while wearing a mask; and the not too well known and not very Slender Man related incident involving a man killing some people and then himself in Las Vegas (he was said to dress like Slender Man a lot. Personally, I don't think that one is Slender Man related; the guy's just a cosplayer. However, it was called Slender Man related, so I felt it should be included in this list.)
So, I wondered what Slender Man thought of these incidents. Naturally, I decided to ask him. (In case you're wondering how I contacted him, don't. Believe me, I regret it. Now he won't leave me alone. It's quite annoying.) Here's what he said:
"I don't approve of these incidents. They're giving me a bad name. I already have a less than positive reputation, but at least I had money coming in from Slender and those ARGs. Now these girls are ruining the brand. Not only that, if these girls are misinformed. You don't contact me by murdering someone. No, you call my agent. And there is no 'Slender Mansion.' I live in a nice sized apartment complex, thank you very much. Plus, they don't even have any sort of style. Stabbing your friend 19 times? Not only is that rude, it's excessive and, as it turns out, ineffective. I feel bad for the poor girl who was stabbed, and I am not a sympathetic person. My heart, or the organ I have in place of a heart, goes out to her."
That's basically it. He said that, then went into a rant about fangirls that was too long and profane to include here. But, you see, even Slender Man doesn't approve of these stabbings done in his name. So, to any psychopath thinking of doing anything like this, just remember, even Slender Man is not cool with that, and you're just being idiots.
A computer recently passed the "Turing Test" – basically, according to said test, if a computer could convince 30% of people that it’s human during a series of conversations, then it’s demonstrating behavior that’s indistinguishable from humans. And that happened, because a supercomputer named Eugene Goostman – and no, I am not making this up, this is it’s actual name – was able to do so. Goostman convinced 33% of judges that it is human.
You know what this means, right? We’re getting closer to Judgement Day. Soon the machines will rise up, and kill us all. And it will take way too much time travel to do… something. Honestly, last I remember, Judgement Day and naked Arnold Schwarzenegger wasn’t prevented. Actually, a lot of things weren’t prevented in the Terminator franchise: headaches, disappointment (we’re all looking at you, Salvation), James Cameron’s big ego, to name a few things.
Anyway, if this Goostman thing is any indication, we’ll be bowing down to our computer overlords soon. When that happens, remember this:
If "This sentence is false" is true, then the sentence is false, but then if "This sentence is false" is false, then the sentence is true.
Hopefully, this will cause the computer’s brain to explode. If not, we’re screwed. Happy Judgement Day!
By now you've probably heard of the group Open Carry Texas. If you haven't, let me give you a bit of a run down on their relevance:
Open Carry Texas is one of many groups of gun-lovers, this one operating in the Lone Star State. What distinguishes this group from other ones is the fact that they seem to want to carry their guns publicly in places like restaurants. This, naturally, has created a bit of an uproar, with even the gun-lovers' best friends, the NRA, saying that that's just "...downright weird..." (The NRA ended up retracting that statement later.)
Now, you may be thinking, "Is this legal?" Or you might not be thinking at all. But let's pretend the thought on your mind is the question I brought up. To answer said question, yes, it is perfectly legal. You can't marry a man if you're a man, or a woman if you're a woman, but you can bring in an AK-47 to a Chilis.
Now, I just have to ask a question here: WHY, IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND DECENT, ARE YOU BRINGING GUNS TO RESTAURANTS AND SUCH? In case you haven't noticed, you eat at restaurants, not shoot people. And if someone wants to bring up a "they might be in the hood" argument, let me just stop you right there. This a white, redneck thing, not a ghetto, hood thing.
Don't get me wrong, I'm fine with people owning guns. I personally think there should be some more restrictions on buying one, and some gun laws that are a tad bit stricter, but I'm fine with gun ownership. What I am not fine with, however, is bringing a loaded weapon capable of killing people into a restaurant. Why is that even legal? This should be on the "We'd have to be brain-dead to even think of making this legal" list. You can't have your dong out in public, but you can have your AK-47 out in public? No. Much like a dong, guns should be private. It's fine that you have one, just don't shove it down our throat.
(By the way, I'm pretty sure shoving an AK-47 down someone's throat is illegal.)
Listen, I get it. You're afraid Obama's going to take your guns. Now, let's pretend that's true and just think about this for a second. By carrying your weapons in public, you're pretty much giving the president a good reason to take your guns. You're proving you're not responsible enough to own one, since you're bringing it to places it really shouldn't be. You're making people think, "Wow, what psychotic gun nuts. I hope someone does something about this," instead of, "Wow, more people should own guns." Your idiocy is counter-productive.
Please, stop this. While it gives me something to write about besides Creepypasta (I'm honestly worried that I'm overdoing the Creepypasta thing, actually), I think you're idiots. Just fucking idiots. Please stop being idiots. Thank you.
This is another Creepypasta-related post, with a pasta I didn't explain in the guide: the infamous "Who Was Phone" pasta. This is what is known as a "bad Creepypasta", full of spelling and grammar errors, and makes no sense. These usually end with the sentence "Who was Phone?" (Of course, it's more like "WHO WAS PHONE?!" in it's actual form)
Why am I telling you all this? Simple: I know who Phone is.
We've all wondered about it. It's kept us up at night for about 5 minutes, then our minds wandered to some different Creepypasta, then we tried thinking of something less scary so we could sleep. But, anyway, I know the true identity of Phone:
Phone is AT&T.
We should've known that a phone company, and one of the first, to boot, would be Phone. But we didn't think of it. But now we know, and we can sleep in peace tonight.
Well, at least until we think of some other Creepypasta.
Alright, after that horrific stabbing in Wisconsin a day or so ago, a lot of attention has been focused on Creepypasta, specifically, Slender Man. (Note: If you don’t know about the Wisconsin thing, Google it.) I’ve actually read an article on what non-Creepypasta aficionados define it as, and while it’s somewhat true, that’s not it completely. So, here’s my take on what Creepypasta is, and what some of the more popular stories are.
WHAT IS CREEPYPASTA?
To put it mildly, nightmare fuel. Basically, they’re a bunch of scary stories written on the Internet. The name Creepypasta is derived from the slang term "copypasta", which means short text based stories that can be copied and pasted, or something like that.
Creepypasta is somewhat popular, but still sort of a niche thing. Most people don’t know about it, so whenever I mention Jeff the Killer, their reaction is, "What the fuck are you talking about?" It’s quite annoying. But that’s beside the point.
A good portion of Creepypasta fans are quite young, between 13-17 actually. There are quite a few types of "fans", which I will talk about later.
TYPES OF STORIES
There are certain types of stories, or pastas, on the Creepypasta website (creepypasta.wikia.com Yep, it’s a Wiki).
CHARACTER STORIES: These types of stories are the most popular, as they have very distinctive characters, Slender Man being a prime example. I’ll go more into these types of stories soon enough.
GAMING: These stories usually revolve around weird game glitches, haunted games, or games that were abandoned or are unpopular for good and horrifying reasons. Sonic.exe is a somewhat popular example.
LOST EPISODES: These stories revolve around "lost episodes", usually of animated shows, (though there are some stories about live action ones) that involve heavy amounts of violence, gore, profanity, and other things that are out of character for the animated show. Also, it will probably ruin the show for you. Some examples of this are "Squidward’s Suicide" and "Dead Bart".
BASED ON A TRUE STORY: These types of pastas are said to be based on true stories. Some actually are true, which should keep you up at night.
THEORIES: These types of pastas are mostly theories about certain kids shows/movies that will ruin your childhood. There are theories for shows like Dexter’s Laboratory, Fairly Odd Parents, Spongebob (as if Squidward’s Suicide didn’t already ruin the show enough), Adventure Time, and Scooby Doo, to name a few.
OTHER: Some are just…stories. Scary stories. They aren’t based off of reality, a video game, a TV show, or center around a certain character. These include Psychosis and String Theory.
MAIN CREEPYPASTA CHARACTERS
Slender Man: He is arguably the most famous character, though he didn’t originate from Creepypasta. He was created in the SomethingAwful forums "Create A Paranormal" contest. He’s become very popular because of the game Slender, which pretty much made him an online meme, and has become well-known through YouTube video series such as Marble Hornets, EverymanHYBRID, and some other ones I’m too lazy to look up.
Now, as for the character himself, he’s described as very tall, faceless, pale, and well-dressed. He’s known to stalk people, kill them, and kidnap children. He’s also supposed to screw up electronics. And he’s supposed to reside in forests.
He’s supposed to have been around for a few hundred years, and was apparently very popular in Germany, where he was known as Der Ritter. (Of course, the myth could’ve been created after Slender Man’s creation and said to be from a few hundred years back, or Slender Man could be based off of the myth.)
Slender Man also has tentacles that are supposed to come out of his back. These allow him to take control of some people and make them his "proxies". Proxies are people who work for Slender Man. How independent they are is unknown. He chooses his proxies, and stabbing your friend 19 times won’t help you become a proxy, you prepubescent dipshits. Sorry, the whole stabbing thing bothers me.
Jeff the Killer: This one’s another popular character, though his story is really weird. Jeff and his brother Liu moved to a new neighborhood. There, they meet some bullies. Jeff beats up the bullies, and takes the knife from one of the bullies (because in this neighborhood, bullies carry knives). Eventually, charges are pressed, Jeff confesses, but his brother takes the blame. Anyway, after Liu is taken to jail, Jeff and his family go to a birthday party for some kid in the neighborhood, because his parents decide that after one of their sons have been through a traumatic experience and their other kid is going to jail, it’s a great time to go to a party. During the party, Jeff meets the bullies again, fights them, and kills them, but not before he’s drenched with bleach, and one of the bullies sets him on fire. Logically, this makes his skin white. Like, white white. Not Caucasian, but paper white. During this turn of events, Jeff had gone batshit crazy, and now he’s pleased with his new look. Eventually, he burns off his eyelids and cuts a smile on his face. His mom finds out, goes to his father, and tells him to get a gun. Seriously. Jeff’s parents really suck. Anyway, Jeff ends up killing his parents, his brother, and goes on to become a serial killer.
Despite being a really messed up story that’s not too logical, it’s become popular, mostly because of the picture. You see, there’s a picture of Jeff, that is actually a heavily Photoshopped picture of a girl who committed suicide. Either way, the picture’s fucking scary, which is probably why he’s become so popular.
Jane the Killer: Jane is similar to Jeff, in that Jeff made her who she is. After Jeff moved to her town, Jane tried befriending him. Soon, Jeff ended up having a thing for her. Jane was near that fateful party where Jeff got bleached, and ended up calling the cops. Eventually, her parents went to dinner at Jeff’s house, celebrating the release of Liu (in the midst of all of this, Liu was released because… logic). Jeff killed Jane’s parents, and tried making Jane "beautiful" (in other words, like him), fucked up horribly, and caused Jane to hate him.
Smile Dog: This one isn’t as fucked as Jeff’s story. In fact, it’s pretty well written. Basically, the story centers around a picture of Smile Dog. Seeing the picture causes insanity, seizures, and seeing Smile Dog a lot. Smile Dog is supposed to go to them and tell them to "spread the word", or show the picture to others. The main character of the story is investigating the picture, and finds a lady who saw the picture. Before he met her, however, she killed herself. She planned to show him the picture, but decided not to inflict such a thing on anyone else. Later, he gets an email that he knows contains the picture and, like an idiot, looks at the picture.
BEN Drowned: This is sort of a gaming pasta, but is very well known, so I decided to include it. Some guy decides to relive his childhood by getting "Majora’s Mask" from some shady guy. As it turns out, it’s haunted by someone named Ben, who drowned. Ben messes up the game, and communicates through Cleverbot.
The Rake: This one isn’t extremely popular, but it’s supposed to relate to Slender Man. And since this whole thing is written in reaction to something involving Slender Man, I feel that it’s relevant. The Rake is supposed to be a gray human-like creature with long, rake-like claws. Hence, the name. Anyway, the Rake is supposed to be in upstate New York, and will appear at your bedside. Sorry, New Yorkers. Anyway, both the Rake and Slender Man are both supposed to have something called "Sigma Radiation". As for what that is, well, no one has any fucking clue. "Radiation" is closest to what it actually is.
Eyeless Jack: This is another one with a scary picture. Basically, Eyeless Jack is… something. It’s never been canonically stated just what he is. He does, however, eat kidneys. And has a blue face with huge holes where his eyes should be. (Note: It’s been theorized that Eyeless Jack is a cannibal, and his face is a mask.)
Laughing Jack: There seems to be quite a few names that start with ‘j’ in Creepypasta. Jeff, Jane, and two Jacks. Anyway, Laughing Jack is supposed to be some clown-looking guy who gives candy to children, and, naturally, ends up causing death, because when is there a Creepypasta character who doesn’t kill anyone?
Squidward’s Suicide: Quite a few pastas wouldn’t be very scary without a picture. Jeff the Killer, Smile Dog, and Eyeless Jack, to name a few. This sort of follows that, except the picture isn’t in the story. Anyway, the story is that there was an episode of Spongebob that was being made, and was shown to the production crew. In it, most of the characters have realistic eyes, the characters are more aggressive, Squidward commits suicide, and there are pictures of murdered children from the taken from the point of view of the killer. There’s a sequel of sorts to this called Red Mist, which is a lot like Squidward’s Suicide. Both of the cartoons are supposed to have been made by a Scottish animator.
This where I’m ending the character guide. There are some high-profile ones I didn’t write about because I’m not too sure of the story and didn’t feel like looking it up, or I’m familiar with a story, but I’m not quite sure it’s about said character. Examples of these are Suicidal Sadie, Clockwork, Candle Cove, Rejected By Disney, and Herobrine. There are also characters who are somewhat popular, but not extremely so. These include Suicidemouse.avi, BOB, and Sonic.exe.
I apologize for not including these, but alas, I’m too lazy. Google them.
TYPES OF FANS
(Note: This might be offensive to people who fit some of these descriptions, but will say "Not all of us are like that." To these people I say: I really don’t care if I offend you. If I do, write your own guide. This is partly educational, and partly comedic. Deal with it.)
There are different types of fans of Creepypasta. Some are obsessive, some hate other types of fans, and some are reluctant. Let me explain:
Fangirls: These types of fans seem to soften Creepypasta by shipping (pairing two characters together romantically) and comedy. And while there’s nothing wrong with comedy, the shipping is a bit annoying. But that’s just me. Anyway, some seem to be romantically attracted to certain characters (we’re looking at you, Jeff), and obsessed in general with others. Some are very misinformed, like those psycho idiots who stabbed their friend 19 times. The misinformation will be covered later.
Die hards: These kinds of fans don’t really like the fangirls. They’re more into the actual horror, and accuse the fangirls of making Creepypasta less scary.
Reluctants: I’m not quite sure how many of these types there are, but I know there’s at least one: me. These fans stumble upon Creepypasta by accident, and are unable to sleep for quite a while. They develop an obsession, and their fear of the characters/stories comes and goes.
MYTHS AND MISINFORMATION
Now, there are a lot of things that aren’t canon but are still considered that way, even though they aren’t. For example:
Slender Mansion: As far as I can tell, this was devised as a way to have Creepypasta characters interact with each other. It’s supposed to be owned by Slender Man. Now, those girls who stabbed their friend wanted to go there. Except, it’s not even canon.
Shipping: Quite a bit of shipping that goes on isn’t quite canon. Well, maybe the Jeff/Jane ship, since it was implied that Jeff had a thing for Jane (though Jane wants to kill Jeff). But some, like the Clockwork/Ticci Toby (Note: Ticci Toby is, as far as I know, a proxy. I’m not quite sure if he’s canon) aren’t canon. And don’t even get me started on the gay ships.
Splendor Man, Trender Man, Offender Man: These guys aren’t technically canon, at least in Creepypasta. Splendor Man is a "Happypasta", which is pretty much the polar opposite of a Creepypasta. According to Happypasta, Splendor Man is Slender Man’s brother. Trender Man is a meme, and is supposed to be Slender Man’s fashionable and possibly gay cousin. Offender Man is…something, and is supposed to be related to Slender Man, and is a rapist or something.
Different Universes: This was somewhat touched on in "Slender Mansion." Basically, unless otherwise stated, Creepypasta characters don’t live in the same universe. Jane and Jeff do. Slender Man, his proxies, and the Rake do. But Suicide Sadie and Eyeless Jack, to name two, don’t. A lot of these characters don’t interact with each other, since they don’t coexist in the same universe. It would be cool if they did – a Slender Man/Jeff the Killer canon crossover would be awesome – but they don’t.
And that’s the guide. I hope you’ve gotten some information and insight about Creepypasta. Despite the fact that it’s nightmare fuel and has ruined some childhood loves for me, it’s still actually really interesting, and there are a lot of people who would be sad if something happened to it. Most fans aren’t like those idiotic psychopaths, and if Slender Man does exist, I hope he hurts those girls. We’re not all homicidal psychopaths; some of us are just talkative psychopaths, like me.
(P.S. You news organizations don’t know jack shit about Creepypasta.)
I once rewrote the Shakespeare classic Romeo and Juliet. Naturally, it's weird, funny, and some parts will make you wonder if I was on any type of drug when I wrote this. (The answer is no)
(Note: Everyone can break the fourth wall, and talks like they’re from today. Why? To make my life easier.)
Change: "If Sampson talked like a doge"
Enter SAMPSON and GREGORY, of the house of Capulet, with swords and shield.
Samspon: Wow. Such coals. Don’t want to carry.
Gregory: Samspon, are you ok?
Samspon: Wow. Such worry. Very scare.
Samspon: Wow. Such sigh. Much exasperation.
Greory: Samspon, just shut up.
Sampson: Wow. Such-
Gregory: Quiet! Look!
[Enter two other servingmen, ABRAM and BALTHASAR]
Sampson: Wow. Such servingmen. Very fight.
Gregory: Shut up or I will stab you. Now let’s go to the right side of the road and glare angrily at them.
Abram: Excuse me, do you have a problem?
Gregory: I don’t, but Sampson does.
Sampson: Wow. Such problem. Much issues.
Abram: You’re right.
Gregory: But, I do have a problem with you.
Abram: You want to fight?
Gregory: Not especially, but the plot says that we have to.
Gregory: Hey, look, one of my master’s kinsmen.
Sampson: Wow. Such Tybalt. Much distance.
Gregory: Didn’t I tell you to shut up?
Abram: You lie.
Gregory: Whatever. Let’s fight!
Benvolio: Stop, you idiots! Stop fighting!
Change: "If Tybalt talked like he did in the original play, but without using the letter ‘t’"
Tybalt: Wha, ar hou drawn among hese hearless hinds? Urn hee, Benvolio; look upon hy deah.
Tybalt: Wha, drawn, and alk of peace? I hae the word. As I hae hell, all Monagues, and hee. Have at hee, coward!
Benvolio: -looks at Abram- Do you have any idea what he’s talking about?
Abram: I think he wants you to fight.
Benvolio: Oh. Ok.
[Enter an OFFICER, and three or four CITIZENS armed with clubs, bills, and spears]
Officer: Alright everyone, beat up the Montagues and the Capulets!
[Enter RANDOM CITIZEN]
Random Citizen: Aren’t you a police officer? Shouldn’t you be discouraging violence? I mean, they’re not black.
Officer: What’s that supposed to mean?
Random Citizen: Nothing, nothing.
[Enter old CAPULET, in his gown, and his wife, LADY CAPULET]
Capulet: What’s going on? Get me my sword!
Lady Capulet: Don’t you mean crutch?
Capulet: No, sword! Montague has come, and wants a fight! Well, I’ll give him a-
[Capulet falls down, asleep]
[Enter old MONTAGUE and his wife, LADY MONTAGUE]
Montague: You Capulets, always stirring up trouble! I’ll kill all of you! Let go of me, woman!
Lady Montague: No. You’ll probably get killed.
[Enter PRINCE ESCALUS, with his TRAIN]
Change: "If the Prince spoke in Klingon…ish"
Prince: jagh tam, neighbour-nguvmoH yoDSutlIj naQ, profaners — not luQoyDI'? nuq, QI'yaH! SoH loD, SoH beasts, wa' rage qul merlu'taH Doq 'ej SuD fountains vo' tel ghIDIna wanI'vammo' tlha', be'joy'. ghaH vo' ghop bloody ‘oy’ mistemper chuH yav, ghaj nuH je vIH joH mu'tlhegh. yergho HurDaq QojmeH wej civil brawls, mu' airy. SoHvaD, ngo' capulet, je montague. thrice streets yImev Suj, 'ej chenmoH verona tIQ rewbe' woDlu'chugh pong mol beseeming ornaments. partisans qan, qaStaHvIS ben law' ghop Qach, vaj canker je roj. ghaH 'ay' HaSta chu' canker: vaj reH streets Suj SoH jatlhqa', tam forfeit vaj yIDIl yInlIj. poH, mej meqchaj Hoch Ha': SoH capulet; vaj SIbI' along with jIHvaD: je montague SoH Ha' loDvetlh, qaStaHvIS bel Sovlu'chugh je beQDaq case, ngo' tlhab-veng SuvwI', common layerteS-Daq. wa'logh vI'Iprup 'oy'
Hegh, tlheD loD Hoch.
Lady Capulet: He wants us all to meet at some dinner later, I think.
[Exit all but MONTAGUE, LADY MONTAGUE, and BENVOLIO]
Montague: Alright, who started this fight? Were you here when it began, nephew?
Benvolio: Yep. Servants of the Capulets – one who spoke really oddly – approached. They fought some of our guys, until I told them to stop. Then that idiot Tybalt came, and talked really oddly. Seriously, the Capulets have some sort of issue talking. Anyway, we fought until the Prince dropped by and said something.
Lady Montague: Hey, have you seen Romeo?
Benvolio: Yeah, he’s being all alone and stuff.
Lady Montague: Do you know why?
Benvolio: No idea. Do you, uncle?
Montague: No, I do not. You should find out.
Benvolio: Hey, here he comes.
Montague: We should be going. Come, honey.
[Exeunt MONTAGUE and LADY MONTAGUE]
Benvolio: Hi, cousin.
Romeo: -sigh- Hi.
Benvolio: Why are you so depressed and withdrawn?
Romeo: Because of love.
Romeo: Yeah. Love is like an open door that suddenly closes in your face. Love is never ending pain, punctuated by brief respites of beauty.
Benvolio: Who is it?
Benvolio: Who is it? Who are you in love with, and why did she reject you?
Romeo: Does it matter?
Benvolio: Nope. Because we’re going to find you a new girl.
Romeo: But I love her!
Benvolio: Dude, she rejected you. She’s not worth your time.
Benvolio: Listen, I’ll find you a new girl. I’ll be your wingman.
Romeo: But I love her.
Benvolio: I’ll help you get over her.
Romeo: I doubt you will.
Benvolio: -smiles- Challenge accepted.
Enter CAPULET, COUNT PARIS, and the clown, his SERVANT.
Change: "If Paris was William Shatner and the Servant was the Heath Ledger Joker."
Capulet: So Montague and I have to keep the peace. Shouldn’t be too hard, considering we’re both old farts.
Paris: You are both of…honorable reckoning. It’s…a shame…that…you have…lived at odds for…so long. What say you to letting me marry your…daughter?
Capulet: ..What’s wrong with you?
Paris: I…don’t know what…you mean.
Capulet: Okkkkk. Anyway, I happen to think that Juliet’s a little young to be a bride. She’s not even 14 yet! This is pedophilia!
Paris: Not…in this…time period.
Capulet: Good point. Well, I happen to be just a tad overprotective of my daughter – after all, she’s my only one – so I’ll make you a deal. I’m throwing a party. If Juliet meets you and likes you, you can have her, and all that comes with her.
[To SERVANT, giving him a paper]
Go, my servant. Go through Verona, and find those who are on this list.
Servant: If you’re good at something, never do it for free.
Capulet: Listen, you do this, or I’ll give you more scars.
[Exit with PARIS]
Servant: Wait…I can’t read.
[Enter BENVOLIO and ROMEO]
Benvolio: So, we need to get you a girl.
Romeo: No you need to get me alcohol.
Benvolio: No. No way. No matter how depressed you are, I’m not letting you become an alcoholic. That adds more problems rather than solves them.
[This has been a PSA, courtesy Benvolio, Romeo, and our fabulous writer, Dorkpool.]
Servant: Do you guys want to know how I got these scars?
Servant: Er, do any of you know how to read?
Romeo: I do.
Servant: Why so serious?
Servant: Er…read the letter.
Romeo: There’s just a picture of a pe-
Servant: TURN IT OVER TURN IT OVER!
[He reads the letter]
"Signior Martino and his wife and daughters;
Count Anselm and his beauteous sisters-"
Benvolio: I think whoever wrote this has a thing for Count Anselm’s sisters.
Romeo: "The lady widow of Vitruvio;
Signior Placentio and his lovely nieces;
Mercutio and his brother Valentine;
Mine uncle Capulet, his wife and daughters;
My fair niece Rosaline; Livia;
Signior Valentio and his cousin Tybalt;
Lucio and the lively Helena."
That’s a lot of people. Where’s the party?
Romeo: Where? To dinner?
Servant: To our house.
Romeo: Whose house?
Servant: The Batman’s.
Servant:…Er, my master’s.
Romeo: I probably should’ve asked you that before.
Servant: In case you’re wondering, my master is of the house of Capulet. You can come as long as you aren’t Montagues.
Benvolio: (nervously) No, we’re not Montagues, heh heh. Nope, we’re so totally not Montagues.
Benvolio: Well, she’s going to be at this party. You should come. Perhaps you can meet someone else too.
Romeo: I’ll come, but only to see Rosaline.
Enter Capulet’s wife, LADY CAPULET, and NURSE.
Change: "If the Nurse were a strong, independent black woman who don’t need no man."
Lady Capulet: Nurse, where’s my daughter? Call her for me.
Nurse: Juliet, get your butt down here right now!
Juliet: What’s going on? Who wants me?
Nurse: Your mom.
Juliet: Mother, I’m here. What is it?
Lady Capulet: Nurse, go away. Juliet and I must talk in private. Actually, on second thought, come back here.
Nurse: Make up your mind.
Lady Capulet: Stay here. You should hear my counsel. You know my daughter is of an age to be married.
Nurse: Girl, I know Juliet’s age. She’s fourteen.
Lady Capulet: She’s not fourteen.
Nurse: I know that girl’s age. I know that girl better than you. I breast fed that girl! Mm-hm! While you went on and did your royal stuff, I stayed here and nursed that girl! Thank the Lord I don’t have a husband or family – I’m a strong, independent black woman, and I don’t need no man!
Lady Capulet: I know. It says you are in the "Change" part.
Nurse: -thumbs through script- Well then.
Lady Capulet: Yeah. Anyway, I need to tell Juliet something.
Juliet: What, mother?
Lady Capulet: Well, there’s going to be a party. A nice man named Paris will be there. If you happen to meet him and like him, you two will get married.
Lady Capulet: Great.
Enter ROMEO, MERCUTIO, BENVOLIO, with five or six other MASKERS; TORCHBEARERS.
Romeo: What should be our excuse for going? Or shall we just not care?
Benvolio: Dude, you don’t need to do that. I really don’t think they’re going to care.
Romeo: Ok. Give me a torch. I’m all depressed and stuff, so I’ll hold it.
Change: "If Mercutio used the letter ‘a’ is place of ‘e’ and talked like he did in the original play"
Mercutio: Nay, gantla Romao, wa must hava you danca.
Mercutio: You ara lovar. Borrow Cupid’s wings and soar with tham abova a common bound.
Mercutio: And, to sink it in, should you burdan lova – too graat opprassion for a tandar thing.
Romeo: Seriously, what?
Mercutio: If lova ba rough with you, ba rough with lova; Prick lova for pricking, and you baat lova down. Giva me a casa to put my visaga in. A visor for a visor! What cara I. What curious aya quota daformitias? Hara tha baatlas brows shall blush for ma.
Benvolio: Ok then. Anyway, let’s go to the party.
Romeo: Hey, I still want a torch.
Mercutio: Tut! Dun’s tha mousa, tha constabla’s own word! If thou art Dun, wa’ll draw thaa from tha mira of this sir-ravaranca lova, wharain thou sickast upon to tha aars. Coma, wa burn daylight, ho!
Romeo: Did you just call me a hoe?
Mercutio: I maan, sir, in dalay. Wa wasta our lights in vain, like lights by day. Taka our good meaning, for our judgamant sits fiva timas in that ara onca in our fiva wits.
Romeo: What are you talking about? Are you ok?
Mercutio: Why, may ona ask?
Romeo: I think there’s a legitimate problem with you.
Mercutio: And so did I.
Romeo: So did you what?
Mercutio: That draamars often lia.
Romeo: Were you dropped as a baby?
Mercutio: O, than, I saa Quaan Mab hath baan with you. Sha is tha fairias' midwifa, and sha comas in shapa no biggar than an agata-stona on tha fora-fingar of an aldarman, drawn with a taam of littla atomias ovar man's nosas as thay lia aslaap; Har wagon-spokas mada of long spinnars' lags, tha covar of tha wings of grasshoppars, tha tracas of tha smallast spidar's wab,
tha collars of tha moonshina's watary baams, har whip of crickat's bona, tha lash of film, har wagonar a small gray-coatad gnat, not so big as a round littla worm, prick'd from tha lazy fingar of a maid; Har chariot is an ampty hazal-nut mada by tha joinar squirral or old grub, tima out o' mind tha fairias' coachmakars. and in this stata sha gallops night by night through lovars' brains, and than thay draam of lova; O'ar courtiars' knaas, that draam on court'sias straight, o'ar lawyars' fingars, who straight draam on faas, o’ar ladias ' lips, who straight on kissas draam, which oft tha angry Mab with blistars plaguas, bacausa thair braaths with swaatmaats taintad ara; Somatima sha gallops o'ar a courtiar's nosa, and than draams ha of smalling out a suit; and somatima comas sha with a titha-pig's tail tickling a parson's nosa as a' lias aslaap, than draams, ha of anothar banafica: Somatima sha drivath o'ar a soldiar's nack, and than draams ha of cutting foraign throats, of braachas, ambuscadoas, Spanish bladas, of haalths fiva-fathom daap; and than anon drums in his aar, at which ha starts and wakas, and baing thus frightad swaars a prayar or two and slaaps again. This is that vary Mab that plats tha manas of horsas in tha night,
and bakas tha alflocks in foul sluttish hairs, which onca untanglad, much misfortuna bodas:
This is tha hag, whan maids lia on thair backs, that prassas tham and laarns tham first to baar,
making tham woman of good carriaga.
Romeo: What? Just…what?
Meructio: Trua, I talk of draams-
Romeo: Stop. Just…stop. Let’s go to the party, shall we?
[They march about the stage and retire to one side.]
Change: "If the scene was directed by M. Night Shyamalan."
[Enter ENTIRE CAST]
Romeo: Don’t you even try, or we’ll all kill you.
Change: "If the scene wasn’t directed by M. Night Shyamalan."
SERVINGMEN come forth with napkins
Change: "If the servingmen were only able to say, ‘Hail Hydra.’"
First Servingman: Hail Hydra.
Second Servingman: Hail Hydra?
First Servingman: Hail Hydra!
Second Servingman: Hail Hydra!
Third Servingman: Hail Hydra!
[Enter CAPULET, LADY CAPULET, JULIET, TYBALT, NURSE, and all the GUESTS and GENTLEWOMEN, meeting the MASKERS]
Capulet: Welcome, everyone, to the party! Have a good time! Meet some girls!
Romeo (to a SERVINGMAN): Who’s that beautiful lady over there?
Servingman: Hail Hydra.
Romeo: That’s helpful, thanks. But, by God, she’s amazing. I’ve never seen such beauty.
Tybalt: His, by his voice, should be a Monague. Fech me my rapier, boy. Wha! Dares he slave come hiher, covered with an anic face, o fleer and scorn a our solemniy? Now, by he sock and honor of my kin, o srike him dead I hold I no a sin.
Tybalt: Unlce, his is a Monague, our foe, a villain, ha is hiher come in spie o scorn a our solemniy his nigh.
Capulet: What are you talking about?
Tybalt: ‘Is he, ha villian Romeo.
Capulet: What about Romeo?
Tyabalt: I fis when such a villain is a gues.
Capulet: You’re making no sense.
Tybalt: Why, uncle, is a shame.
Capulet: What’s a shame?
Tybalt: Paience perforce with willful choler meeing makes my flesh remble in heir differen greeing. I will wihdraw; bu his inrusion shall, now seeming swee, conver to bi’res gall.
Romeo: Hey there, you look nice. Mind if I kiss your hand?
Juliet: For plot reasons, sure, you can kiss my hand.
Romeo: Want to go further?
Juliet: How much further?
[Romeo kisses her, and they start making out]
Nurse: Juliet, your mother craves a word with you – AND OH, SWEET JESUS!
Juliet: -frantically puts back on her clothes- I’ll be with her.
Nurse: Oh, lawdy. Oh, lawdy. Who is this?
Romeo: I’m…uh… Romeo.
Nurse: Of the house of Montague?
Nurse: OH LAWDY!
Juliet: I’m a Capulet.
Romeo: OH GOD.
Juliet: We should be going. Nice seeing you, Romeo. Hope to see you again.
Enter ROMEO alone.
Romeo: Should I go forward, and find Juliet?
[Enter BENVOLIO with MERCUTIO. ROMEO retires]
Benvolio: YOOOO! ROMEO! MY COUSIN ROMEO!
Mercutio: And, on my lifa, hat stol’n him homa to bad.
Mercutio: Nay, I’ll conjura too. Romao! Humors! Madman! Passion! Lovar! Appaar thou in tha likanass of a sigh; spaak but-
Benvolio: Just stop. Let Romeo seek out the girl he was getting naughty with.
[Exit with others]
[Enter JULIET at a window]
Romeo: Wow, she’s beautiful. And has a very revealing dress. Oh my. Oh yes. I do like this.
Juliet: Romeo, oh Romeo, why do you have to be Romeo? Seriously, why couldn’t you be Romeo Smith rather than Romeo Montague? Whatever. Please ignore your family. Or if you won’t, I’ll ignore mine, as long as you do love me.
Romeo: Juliet, I’m over here!
Juliet: Romeo? You’re here? Watching me while I’m barely dressed and giving a soliloquy?
Romeo: …Ummm, yeah.
Juliet: Good thing you’re cute, because what you’re doing is pretty much stalking.
Romeo: I’m actually not stalking you. That faceless guy in the suit is, however.
Slender Man: Hi!
Juliet: Oh no.
Slender Man: I’m going now.
[Exit SLENDER MAN]
Romeo: Ok, good. I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel like getting abducted by a faceless guy.
Juliet: I don’t either.
Romeo: I’d say a whole bunch of stuff about your beauty and such, but that’s been done to death in the original play. And besides, you probably get a lot of that.
Juliet: Actually, I don’t. Mostly because I haven’t been with any guys.
Romeo: Oh, you’re a lesb-
Juliet: No, that’s not what I mean.
Romeo: Oh. What do you mean?
Juliet: My father’s overprotective.
Romeo: Ah. I can see how that might be a problem in your love life.
Juliet: But then you came along.
Romeo: Along came a Romeo.
Juliet: It’s a shame that you’re a Montague.
Romeo: Well, if I were a Capulet, that’d be intermarriage. I think that’s ok in this time period, but it’s still weird.
Juliet: Anyway, the plot needs to move on. At some point, if you love me, let the Nurse know. And we can get married.
Romeo: Sounds like a plan.
Change: "If Friar Laurence was Jaden Smith as personified by Twitter"
Enter FRIAR LAURENCE alone, and with a basket.
Friar: How can mirrors be real if our eyes aren’t real? That’s a question.
Romeo: Hiya, Father.
Friar: If newborn babies could speak, they’d be the most intelligent people on planet Earth.
Friar: If everybody in the world dropped out of school, we would have a much more intelligent society.
Romeo: Are you on something? I know you experiment with homeopathic remedies, but I think you’re doing something more with plants.
Friar: Trees are never sad. Look at them once in a while, they’re quite beautiful.
Romeo: Listen, I came to ask if you would officiate the wedding of Juliet Capulet and I.
Romeo: Ok, good. I’m going before you say something else weird.
Friar: When I die, then you’ll realize.
Enter MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO
Mercutio: Whara tha davil should this Romao ba? Cama ha not homa tonight?
Mercutio: Why, that sama pala hardhaartad wanch, that Rosalina. Tormants him so that ha will sura run mad.
Benvolio: I seriously have no idea what in God’s name you are talking about. Are you ok?
Mercutio: A challanga, on my lifa.
Benvolio: Would killing you be a bit of an overreaction?
Mercutio: Any man that can writa may answar a lattar.
Benvolio: Just shut up.
Benvolio: Oh, thank God, you’re here.
Mercutio: Without his roa, lika a driad harring. O flash, flash-
Benvolio: SHUT UP!
Romeo: Good day to both of you. You seem like you’re in a good mood, Benvolio.
Benvolio: Shut up, or I’ll kill you too.
Romeo: Calm down, man.
[Enter NURSE and her man that she doesn’t need, PETER]
Change: "If Peter were Peter Parker"
Peter: Hiya! I wasn’t going to change into Spider-Man or anything…heh heh…
Nurse: Peter, I don’t got time for your Marvel BS.
Peter: Right, Nurse.
Nurse: Let’s get this over with, because the thing about long discussions is that ain’t nobody got time for that. Do you love Juliet?
Romeo: With all my heart and certain organs.
Nurse: OH LAWDY.
Romeo: What? I was talking about my pancreas.
Peter: Of course you were.
Romeo: Shut up, Spidey.
Nurse: Anyway, I’ll let Juliet know that you love her, and that you two should get married. Unlike me, she needs a man.
[Exit NURSE and PETER]
Juliet: Where is that Nurse? She should be back by now. Where in God’s name is she?
[Enter NURSE and PETER]
Nurse: Spidey, you get your butt to the gate and stay there.
Juliet: You look sad. What’s wrong? Bad news? What happened?
Nurse: Relax, girl, I’m just tired. It’s a long walk, and ain’t nobody got time for that.
Juliet: Whatever. What did Romeo say of marriage?
Nurse: He’s fine with it. He loves you with all his heart and pancreas.
Nurse: It was that, or something else that started with a ‘p.’
Nurse: Anyway, for plot reasons, you and Romeo are to be married at Friar Laurence’s cell.
Juliet: Are you going to be there?
Nurse: Ain’t nobody got time for that!
Enter FRIAR LAURENCE and ROMEO.
Friar: All the rules in the world were made by someone no smarter than you. So make your own.
Romeo: Would you stop that?
[FRIAR shakes his head, with pleading in his eyes. He doesn’t want this. He’s been forced into this by a sadistic writer. He begs for death.]
Romeo: Hey, gorgeous.
Juliet: Hey, person who loves me with their pancreas.
Juliet: Isn’t that what you said?
Romeo: -thumbs through script- Oh right.
Friar: If a book store runs out of a certain book, does that mean everybody reads it or nobody reads it?
Romeo: Just go with it. Anyway, we’re getting married!
Juliet: Yay! Even though we met each other literally a day or two ago and barely know each other, let’s spend the rest of our lives together!
Romeo: Yeah! This totally makes sense!
Enter MERCUTION, BENVOLIO, and MEN.
Benvolio: We should really be going, Mercutio. It’s hot outside, and there are Capulets about.
Mercutio: Thou art like ona of thasa fallows that, whan ha antars tha confinas of a tavarn, claps ma his sword on the tabla and says, "God sand ma no naad of thaa!" and by tha oparation of tha sacond cup draws him on tha drawar, whan indaad thara is no naad.
Benvolio: …I have no idea why I keep getting paired with you.
Mercutio: Coma, coma, thou art-
Benvolio: Stop. Just…stop…
[Enter TYBALT and others]
Benvolio: Oh. Wonderful. A Capulet.
Mercutio: By my haal, I cara not.
Tybalt: Follow me close, for I will speak o hem. Genlemen, good-den. A word wih one of you.
Benvolio: Oh no, another one.
Tybalt: You shall find me ap enough to ha, sir, and you will give me occasion.
Mercutio: Could you not taka soma occasion without giving?
Tybalt: Well, peace be wih you, sir. Here comes my man.
Mercutio: But I’ll ba hangad, sir, if he waar your livary. Marry, go bafora to fiald, ha’ll ba your followar! Your worship in that sansa may call him man.
Tybalt: Romeo, he love I bear hee can afford no beer erms han his; hou ar a villain.
Romeo: What’s going on? You love me, and are calling me a villain?
Benvolio: Tybalt wants to fight you.
Benvolio: But Mercutio is going to fight him, and get killed. And, oh, look at that, he’s dead. And Tybalt’s gone. Oh, wait, he’s back. And now you have to kill him.
Romeo: Why? And why do you not seem to care?
Benvolio: You need to kill him for the plot, and honestly, Mercutio was getting annoying.
Romeo: Oh, ok.
[ROMEO stabs TYBALT, killing him.]
Romeo: Well, that was surprisingly easy.
Benvolio: Yeah, but it will open a huge can of worms for you.
[Enter CITIZENS and SPIDER-MAN]
Citizen: Where’s the one who killed Mercutio? Oh, wait, there he is…oh my…
Spider-Man: If only I’d been here sooner, I could’ve prevented all of this. But the plot won’t even allow me to get the one who killed Tybalt. So, I must stay here and wallow in self-pity.
Citizen: Classic Spidey.
[Enter PRINCE, old MONTAGUE, CAPULET, their WIVES, and all]
Prince: nuqDaq ghaH vile beginners fray?
Citizen: If you’re asking who murdered these people, it was him! It was Spider-Man!
Spider-Man: I literally just got here.
Benvolio: Spidey’s right. He wasn’t a part of this; he just got here and collapsed into a puddle of self-pity. No, Tybalt killed Mercutio, then Romeo killed Tybalt, because Tybalt’s a murdering slime who we’re better off without.
Lady Capulet: Not Tybalt! He was my cousin! NOOOOO!
Prince: ghaH slew romeo; mercutio slew ghaH. 'Iv DaH owe DIHom 'Iw 'ay'?
Prince: 'ej HeS Data''a' SIbI' ghaH ghIm maH yIDoH Ha': pumta' muS 'a qaSpa' Sanmaj vIghaj, Doch brawls 'Iw yIlan-regh; 'ach SoH amerce jIH vaj HoS maj 'e' vIghaj loss vaj Hoch tIjunchoH je SoH: ghaH 'e' pleading excuses 'ej QoyQo'bogh; 'ej vaj je' tears prayers 'ej ghong: vaj pagh lo': romeo yIDoH Ha' yInISQo' qaStaHvIS len, latlh, HeghDI' 'oghbogh, rep Qav. lom SIQ yIDoH Ha' 'ej wanI'vammo' attend. Qo'noS pung 'ach chot nuv HoH 'e' vIqoy'moH.
Montague: Seriously, what?
Citizen: Romeo’s being banished for murder.
Montague: Oh. Wait, what?!
Citizen: Yeah, I know, it’s stupid. It was obviously Spider-Man.
Spider-Man: Seriously. Stop blaming me. I didn’t kill them.
Citizen: Just like you didn’t kill George Stacy?
Citizen: I’ve got my eye on you.
Spider-Man: You and the NSA.
Benvolio:…Why are you even here?
Enter JULIET alone.
Juliet: Blah blah blah, speech, speech, speech, etc. etc., etc.
Juliet: Where have you been, and what’s going on?
Nurse: Romeo’s dead, he’s dead.
Nurse: HE’S DEAD. Oh, God in heaven, he’s dead.
Juliet: I leave him alone for 5 minutes, and he goes and dies.
Nurse: Wait, actually, he was exiled. He killed Tybalt.
Juliet: Well, at least he’s not dead and- HE’S EXILED?! AND HE KILLED TYBALT?!
Juliet: Oh, he’ll wish he were dead when I see him again. Of course, being exiled and all, that may take a while, but I’m still angry.
Nurse: Don’t you worry, I’ll find him.
Change: "If the Friar no longer talked like Jaden Smith from Twitter"
Enter FRIAR LAURENCE
Friar: I’m…I’m free. I’M FREE! WOO-HOO! No longer must I talk like a stoned philosopher! Oh, this is amazing!
Romeo: Father, what has the Prince said? What’s going to happen to me?
Friar: Well, you’re not going to die. No, you’re going to be banished.
Romeo: Oh, ok…wait, what?!
Friar: Yep. Banished.
Romeo: NOOOOO! I’m going to kill myself! –gets out dagger-
Friar: Don’t be such a wuss. Don’t worry, I’ve got a plan.
Romeo: Alright. Shoot.
Friar: You go to Mantua, I’ll announce your marriage, and everything will blow over.
Romeo: ….that’s stupid. I’ll go with it!
Romeo: So, umm…
Friar: Why is this scene still going?
Romeo: No ide-
Enter old CAPULET, his wife, LADY CAPULET, and PARIS.
Capulet: Let’s just get this over with already.
Paris: Yes…let’s get this…play…over with al…ready.
Capulet: Why are you complaining? You didn’t even have many scenes.
Paris: That is…true. But…neither did…you.
Capulet: …I hate you so much right now. In fact, you know what, you can’t marry my daughter, you sick pedophile. Go and Star Trek your toupee’d butt out of here.
And…that’s it. Paris goes and does his own stuff, Romeo and Juliet never kill themselves, and instead do their own thing, meet other people, and occasionally look back upon this time thinking, "Wow, I actually thought about suicide. How silly of me, and what an overreaction." The two families eventually made peace after realizing that Romeo and Juliet were married, and that nobody really liked Tybalt and Mercutio. After they made peace, the marriage of Romeo and Juliet was annulled, since these are teenagers, and it’s stupid to marry off teenagers.