I once rewrote the Shakespeare classic Romeo and Juliet. Naturally, it's weird, funny, and some parts will make you wonder if I was on any type of drug when I wrote this. (The answer is no)
Enjoy!
Enjoy!
(Note: Everyone can break the fourth wall, and talks like they’re from today. Why? To make my life easier.)
ACT 1:
Scene 1:
Change: "If Sampson talked like a doge"
Enter SAMPSON and GREGORY, of the house of Capulet, with swords and shield.
Samspon: Wow. Such coals. Don’t want to carry.
Gregory: Samspon, are you ok?
Samspon: Wow. Such worry. Very scare.
Gregory: -sigh-
Samspon: Wow. Such sigh. Much exasperation.
Greory: Samspon, just shut up.
Sampson: Wow. Such-
Gregory: Quiet! Look!
[Enter two other servingmen, ABRAM and BALTHASAR]
Sampson: Wow. Such servingmen. Very fight.
Gregory: Shut up or I will stab you. Now let’s go to the right side of the road and glare angrily at them.
Abram: Excuse me, do you have a problem?
Gregory: I don’t, but Sampson does.
Sampson: Wow. Such problem. Much issues.
Abram: You’re right.
Gregory: But, I do have a problem with you.
Abram: You want to fight?
Gregory: Not especially, but the plot says that we have to.
[Enter BENVOLIO]
Gregory: Hey, look, one of my master’s kinsmen.
Sampson: Wow. Such Tybalt. Much distance.
Gregory: Didn’t I tell you to shut up?
Sampson: Wow.
Abram: You lie.
Gregory: Whatever. Let’s fight!
[They fight]
Benvolio: Stop, you idiots! Stop fighting!
[Enter TYBALT]
Change: "If Tybalt talked like he did in the original play, but without using the letter ‘t’"
Tybalt: Wha, ar hou drawn among hese hearless hinds? Urn hee, Benvolio; look upon hy deah.
Benvolio:…What?
Tybalt: Wha, drawn, and alk of peace? I hae the word. As I hae hell, all Monagues, and hee. Have at hee, coward!
Benvolio: -looks at Abram- Do you have any idea what he’s talking about?
Abram: I think he wants you to fight.
Benvolio: Oh. Ok.
[They fight]
[Enter an OFFICER, and three or four CITIZENS armed with clubs, bills, and spears]
Officer: Alright everyone, beat up the Montagues and the Capulets!
[Enter RANDOM CITIZEN]
Random Citizen: Aren’t you a police officer? Shouldn’t you be discouraging violence? I mean, they’re not black.
Officer: What’s that supposed to mean?
Random Citizen: Nothing, nothing.
[Enter old CAPULET, in his gown, and his wife, LADY CAPULET]
Capulet: What’s going on? Get me my sword!
Lady Capulet: Don’t you mean crutch?
Capulet: No, sword! Montague has come, and wants a fight! Well, I’ll give him a-
[Capulet falls down, asleep]
[Enter old MONTAGUE and his wife, LADY MONTAGUE]
Montague: You Capulets, always stirring up trouble! I’ll kill all of you! Let go of me, woman!
Lady Montague: No. You’ll probably get killed.
[Enter PRINCE ESCALUS, with his TRAIN]
Change: "If the Prince spoke in Klingon…ish"
Prince: jagh tam, neighbour-nguvmoH yoDSutlIj naQ, profaners — not luQoyDI'? nuq, QI'yaH! SoH loD, SoH beasts, wa' rage qul merlu'taH Doq 'ej SuD fountains vo' tel ghIDIna wanI'vammo' tlha', be'joy'. ghaH vo' ghop bloody ‘oy’ mistemper chuH yav, ghaj nuH je vIH joH mu'tlhegh. yergho HurDaq QojmeH wej civil brawls, mu' airy. SoHvaD, ngo' capulet, je montague. thrice streets yImev Suj, 'ej chenmoH verona tIQ rewbe' woDlu'chugh pong mol beseeming ornaments. partisans qan, qaStaHvIS ben law' ghop Qach, vaj canker je roj. ghaH 'ay' HaSta chu' canker: vaj reH streets Suj SoH jatlhqa', tam forfeit vaj yIDIl yInlIj. poH, mej meqchaj Hoch Ha': SoH capulet; vaj SIbI' along with jIHvaD: je montague SoH Ha' loDvetlh, qaStaHvIS bel Sovlu'chugh je beQDaq case, ngo' tlhab-veng SuvwI', common layerteS-Daq. wa'logh vI'Iprup 'oy'
Hegh, tlheD loD Hoch.
Montague:…what?
Lady Capulet: He wants us all to meet at some dinner later, I think.
Montague: Oh.
[Exit all but MONTAGUE, LADY MONTAGUE, and BENVOLIO]
Montague: Alright, who started this fight? Were you here when it began, nephew?
Benvolio: Yep. Servants of the Capulets – one who spoke really oddly – approached. They fought some of our guys, until I told them to stop. Then that idiot Tybalt came, and talked really oddly. Seriously, the Capulets have some sort of issue talking. Anyway, we fought until the Prince dropped by and said something.
Lady Montague: Hey, have you seen Romeo?
Benvolio: Yeah, he’s being all alone and stuff.
Lady Montague: Do you know why?
Benvolio: No idea. Do you, uncle?
Montague: No, I do not. You should find out.
[Enter ROMEO]
Benvolio: Hey, here he comes.
Montague: We should be going. Come, honey.
[Exeunt MONTAGUE and LADY MONTAGUE]
Benvolio: Hi, cousin.
Romeo: -sigh- Hi.
Benvolio: Why are you so depressed and withdrawn?
Romeo: Because of love.
Benvolio: Love?
Romeo: Yeah. Love is like an open door that suddenly closes in your face. Love is never ending pain, punctuated by brief respites of beauty.
Benvolio: Who is it?
Romeo: What?
Benvolio: Who is it? Who are you in love with, and why did she reject you?
Romeo: Does it matter?
Benvolio: Nope. Because we’re going to find you a new girl.
Romeo: But I love her!
Benvolio: Dude, she rejected you. She’s not worth your time.
Romeo: But-
Benvolio: Listen, I’ll find you a new girl. I’ll be your wingman.
Romeo: But I love her.
Benvolio: I’ll help you get over her.
Romeo: I doubt you will.
Benvolio: -smiles- Challenge accepted.
Scene 2:
Enter CAPULET, COUNT PARIS, and the clown, his SERVANT.
Change: "If Paris was William Shatner and the Servant was the Heath Ledger Joker."
Capulet: So Montague and I have to keep the peace. Shouldn’t be too hard, considering we’re both old farts.
Paris: You are both of…honorable reckoning. It’s…a shame…that…you have…lived at odds for…so long. What say you to letting me marry your…daughter?
Capulet: ..What’s wrong with you?
Paris: I…don’t know what…you mean.
Capulet: Okkkkk. Anyway, I happen to think that Juliet’s a little young to be a bride. She’s not even 14 yet! This is pedophilia!
Paris: Not…in this…time period.
Capulet: Good point. Well, I happen to be just a tad overprotective of my daughter – after all, she’s my only one – so I’ll make you a deal. I’m throwing a party. If Juliet meets you and likes you, you can have her, and all that comes with her.
[To SERVANT, giving him a paper]
Go, my servant. Go through Verona, and find those who are on this list.
Servant: If you’re good at something, never do it for free.
Capulet: Listen, you do this, or I’ll give you more scars.
[Exit with PARIS]
Servant: Wait…I can’t read.
[Enter BENVOLIO and ROMEO]
Benvolio: So, we need to get you a girl.
Romeo: No you need to get me alcohol.
Benvolio: No. No way. No matter how depressed you are, I’m not letting you become an alcoholic. That adds more problems rather than solves them.
[This has been a PSA, courtesy Benvolio, Romeo, and our fabulous writer, Dorkpool.]
Servant: Do you guys want to know how I got these scars?
Benvolio: Ummm…what?
Servant: Er, do any of you know how to read?
Romeo: I do.
Servant: Why so serious?
Romeo: What?
Servant: Er…read the letter.
Romeo: There’s just a picture of a pe-
Servant: TURN IT OVER TURN IT OVER!
Romeo:
[He reads the letter]
"Signior Martino and his wife and daughters;
Count Anselm and his beauteous sisters-"
Benvolio: I think whoever wrote this has a thing for Count Anselm’s sisters.
Romeo: "The lady widow of Vitruvio;
Signior Placentio and his lovely nieces;
Mercutio and his brother Valentine;
Mine uncle Capulet, his wife and daughters;
My fair niece Rosaline; Livia;
Signior Valentio and his cousin Tybalt;
Lucio and the lively Helena."
That’s a lot of people. Where’s the party?
Servant: Up.
Romeo: Where? To dinner?
Servant: To our house.
Romeo: Whose house?
Servant: The Batman’s.
Romeo: What?
Servant:…Er, my master’s.
Romeo: I probably should’ve asked you that before.
Servant: In case you’re wondering, my master is of the house of Capulet. You can come as long as you aren’t Montagues.
Benvolio: (nervously) No, we’re not Montagues, heh heh. Nope, we’re so totally not Montagues.
Servant: Good.
[Exit]
Benvolio: So…Rosaline?
Romeo: …Yes…
Benvolio: Well, she’s going to be at this party. You should come. Perhaps you can meet someone else too.
Romeo: I’ll come, but only to see Rosaline.
[Exeunt]
Scene 3:
Enter Capulet’s wife, LADY CAPULET, and NURSE.
Change: "If the Nurse were a strong, independent black woman who don’t need no man."
Lady Capulet: Nurse, where’s my daughter? Call her for me.
Nurse: Juliet, get your butt down here right now!
[Enter JULIET]
Juliet: What’s going on? Who wants me?
Nurse: Your mom.
Juliet: Mother, I’m here. What is it?
Lady Capulet: Nurse, go away. Juliet and I must talk in private. Actually, on second thought, come back here.
Nurse: Make up your mind.
Lady Capulet: Stay here. You should hear my counsel. You know my daughter is of an age to be married.
Nurse: Girl, I know Juliet’s age. She’s fourteen.
Lady Capulet: She’s not fourteen.
Nurse: I know that girl’s age. I know that girl better than you. I breast fed that girl! Mm-hm! While you went on and did your royal stuff, I stayed here and nursed that girl! Thank the Lord I don’t have a husband or family – I’m a strong, independent black woman, and I don’t need no man!
Lady Capulet: I know. It says you are in the "Change" part.
Nurse: -thumbs through script- Well then.
Lady Capulet: Yeah. Anyway, I need to tell Juliet something.
Juliet: What, mother?
Lady Capulet: Well, there’s going to be a party. A nice man named Paris will be there. If you happen to meet him and like him, you two will get married.
Juliet: Ok.
Lady Capulet: Great.
Scene 4:
Enter ROMEO, MERCUTIO, BENVOLIO, with five or six other MASKERS; TORCHBEARERS.
Romeo: What should be our excuse for going? Or shall we just not care?
Benvolio: Dude, you don’t need to do that. I really don’t think they’re going to care.
Romeo: Ok. Give me a torch. I’m all depressed and stuff, so I’ll hold it.
Change: "If Mercutio used the letter ‘a’ is place of ‘e’ and talked like he did in the original play"
Mercutio: Nay, gantla Romao, wa must hava you danca.
Romeo: …What?
Mercutio: You ara lovar. Borrow Cupid’s wings and soar with tham abova a common bound.
Romeo: Umm…ok?
Mercutio: And, to sink it in, should you burdan lova – too graat opprassion for a tandar thing.
Romeo: Seriously, what?
Mercutio: If lova ba rough with you, ba rough with lova; Prick lova for pricking, and you baat lova down. Giva me a casa to put my visaga in. A visor for a visor! What cara I. What curious aya quota daformitias? Hara tha baatlas brows shall blush for ma.
Benvolio: Ok then. Anyway, let’s go to the party.
Romeo: Hey, I still want a torch.
Mercutio: Tut! Dun’s tha mousa, tha constabla’s own word! If thou art Dun, wa’ll draw thaa from tha mira of this sir-ravaranca lova, wharain thou sickast upon to tha aars. Coma, wa burn daylight, ho!
Romeo: Did you just call me a hoe?
Mercutio: I maan, sir, in dalay. Wa wasta our lights in vain, like lights by day. Taka our good meaning, for our judgamant sits fiva timas in that ara onca in our fiva wits.
Romeo: What are you talking about? Are you ok?
Mercutio: Why, may ona ask?
Romeo: I think there’s a legitimate problem with you.
Mercutio: And so did I.
Romeo: So did you what?
Mercutio: That draamars often lia.
Romeo: Were you dropped as a baby?
Mercutio: O, than, I saa Quaan Mab hath baan with you. Sha is tha fairias' midwifa, and sha comas in shapa no biggar than an agata-stona on tha fora-fingar of an aldarman, drawn with a taam of littla atomias ovar man's nosas as thay lia aslaap; Har wagon-spokas mada of long spinnars' lags, tha covar of tha wings of grasshoppars, tha tracas of tha smallast spidar's wab,
tha collars of tha moonshina's watary baams, har whip of crickat's bona, tha lash of film, har wagonar a small gray-coatad gnat, not so big as a round littla worm, prick'd from tha lazy fingar of a maid; Har chariot is an ampty hazal-nut mada by tha joinar squirral or old grub, tima out o' mind tha fairias' coachmakars. and in this stata sha gallops night by night through lovars' brains, and than thay draam of lova; O'ar courtiars' knaas, that draam on court'sias straight, o'ar lawyars' fingars, who straight draam on faas, o’ar ladias ' lips, who straight on kissas draam, which oft tha angry Mab with blistars plaguas, bacausa thair braaths with swaatmaats taintad ara; Somatima sha gallops o'ar a courtiar's nosa, and than draams ha of smalling out a suit; and somatima comas sha with a titha-pig's tail tickling a parson's nosa as a' lias aslaap, than draams, ha of anothar banafica: Somatima sha drivath o'ar a soldiar's nack, and than draams ha of cutting foraign throats, of braachas, ambuscadoas, Spanish bladas, of haalths fiva-fathom daap; and than anon drums in his aar, at which ha starts and wakas, and baing thus frightad swaars a prayar or two and slaaps again. This is that vary Mab that plats tha manas of horsas in tha night,
and bakas tha alflocks in foul sluttish hairs, which onca untanglad, much misfortuna bodas:
This is tha hag, whan maids lia on thair backs, that prassas tham and laarns tham first to baar,
making tham woman of good carriaga.
Romeo: What? Just…what?
Meructio: Trua, I talk of draams-
Romeo: Stop. Just…stop. Let’s go to the party, shall we?
[They march about the stage and retire to one side.]
Scene 5:
Change: "If the scene was directed by M. Night Shyamalan."
[Enter ENTIRE CAST]
Romeo: Don’t you even try, or we’ll all kill you.
Change: "If the scene wasn’t directed by M. Night Shyamalan."
SERVINGMEN come forth with napkins
Change: "If the servingmen were only able to say, ‘Hail Hydra.’"
First Servingman: Hail Hydra.
Second Servingman: Hail Hydra?
First Servingman: Hail Hydra!
Second Servingman: Hail Hydra!
Third Servingman: Hail Hydra!
[Enter CAPULET, LADY CAPULET, JULIET, TYBALT, NURSE, and all the GUESTS and GENTLEWOMEN, meeting the MASKERS]
Capulet: Welcome, everyone, to the party! Have a good time! Meet some girls!
Romeo (to a SERVINGMAN): Who’s that beautiful lady over there?
Servingman: Hail Hydra.
Romeo: That’s helpful, thanks. But, by God, she’s amazing. I’ve never seen such beauty.
Tybalt: His, by his voice, should be a Monague. Fech me my rapier, boy. Wha! Dares he slave come hiher, covered with an anic face, o fleer and scorn a our solemniy? Now, by he sock and honor of my kin, o srike him dead I hold I no a sin.
Capulet: What?
Tybalt: Unlce, his is a Monague, our foe, a villain, ha is hiher come in spie o scorn a our solemniy his nigh.
Capulet: What are you talking about?
Tybalt: ‘Is he, ha villian Romeo.
Capulet: What about Romeo?
Tyabalt: I fis when such a villain is a gues.
Capulet: You’re making no sense.
Tybalt: Why, uncle, is a shame.
Capulet: What’s a shame?
Tybalt: Paience perforce with willful choler meeing makes my flesh remble in heir differen greeing. I will wihdraw; bu his inrusion shall, now seeming swee, conver to bi’res gall.
[Exit]
Romeo: Hey there, you look nice. Mind if I kiss your hand?
Juliet: For plot reasons, sure, you can kiss my hand.
Romeo: Want to go further?
Juliet: How much further?
[Romeo kisses her, and they start making out]
Nurse: Juliet, your mother craves a word with you – AND OH, SWEET JESUS!
Juliet: -frantically puts back on her clothes- I’ll be with her.
Nurse: Oh, lawdy. Oh, lawdy. Who is this?
Romeo: I’m…uh… Romeo.
Nurse: Of the house of Montague?
Romeo: …yes.
Nurse: OH LAWDY!
Romeo: What?
Juliet: I’m a Capulet.
Romeo: OH GOD.
Juliet: We should be going. Nice seeing you, Romeo. Hope to see you again.
[Exeunt]
Act 2:
Scene 1:
Enter ROMEO alone.
Romeo: Should I go forward, and find Juliet?
[Enter BENVOLIO with MERCUTIO. ROMEO retires]
Benvolio: YOOOO! ROMEO! MY COUSIN ROMEO!
Mercutio: And, on my lifa, hat stol’n him homa to bad.
Benvolio: …What?
Mercutio: Nay, I’ll conjura too. Romao! Humors! Madman! Passion! Lovar! Appaar thou in tha likanass of a sigh; spaak but-
Benvolio: Just stop. Let Romeo seek out the girl he was getting naughty with.
[Exit with others]
Scene 2:
[Enter JULIET at a window]
Romeo: Wow, she’s beautiful. And has a very revealing dress. Oh my. Oh yes. I do like this.
Juliet: Romeo, oh Romeo, why do you have to be Romeo? Seriously, why couldn’t you be Romeo Smith rather than Romeo Montague? Whatever. Please ignore your family. Or if you won’t, I’ll ignore mine, as long as you do love me.
Romeo: Juliet, I’m over here!
Juliet: Romeo? You’re here? Watching me while I’m barely dressed and giving a soliloquy?
Romeo: …Ummm, yeah.
Juliet: Good thing you’re cute, because what you’re doing is pretty much stalking.
Romeo: I’m actually not stalking you. That faceless guy in the suit is, however.
Slender Man: Hi!
Juliet: Oh no.
Slender Man: I’m going now.
[Exit SLENDER MAN]
Romeo: Ok, good. I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel like getting abducted by a faceless guy.
Juliet: I don’t either.
Romeo: I’d say a whole bunch of stuff about your beauty and such, but that’s been done to death in the original play. And besides, you probably get a lot of that.
Juliet: Actually, I don’t. Mostly because I haven’t been with any guys.
Romeo: Oh, you’re a lesb-
Juliet: No, that’s not what I mean.
Romeo: Oh. What do you mean?
Juliet: My father’s overprotective.
Romeo: Ah. I can see how that might be a problem in your love life.
Juliet: But then you came along.
Romeo: Along came a Romeo.
Juliet: It’s a shame that you’re a Montague.
Romeo: Well, if I were a Capulet, that’d be intermarriage. I think that’s ok in this time period, but it’s still weird.
Juliet: Anyway, the plot needs to move on. At some point, if you love me, let the Nurse know. And we can get married.
Romeo: Sounds like a plan.
[Exit]
Scene 3:
Change: "If Friar Laurence was Jaden Smith as personified by Twitter"
Enter FRIAR LAURENCE alone, and with a basket.
Friar: How can mirrors be real if our eyes aren’t real? That’s a question.
[Enter Romeo]
Romeo: Hiya, Father.
Friar: Benedicite!
Romeo: Gezundheit.
Friar: If newborn babies could speak, they’d be the most intelligent people on planet Earth.
Romeo: Ummm…what?
Friar: If everybody in the world dropped out of school, we would have a much more intelligent society.
Romeo: Are you on something? I know you experiment with homeopathic remedies, but I think you’re doing something more with plants.
Friar: Trees are never sad. Look at them once in a while, they’re quite beautiful.
Romeo: Listen, I came to ask if you would officiate the wedding of Juliet Capulet and I.
Friar: -nods-
Romeo: Ok, good. I’m going before you say something else weird.
Friar: When I die, then you’ll realize.
[Exeunt]
Scene 4:
Enter MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO
Mercutio: Whara tha davil should this Romao ba? Cama ha not homa tonight?
Benvolio: What?
Mercutio: Why, that sama pala hardhaartad wanch, that Rosalina. Tormants him so that ha will sura run mad.
Benvolio: I seriously have no idea what in God’s name you are talking about. Are you ok?
Mercutio: A challanga, on my lifa.
Benvolio: Would killing you be a bit of an overreaction?
Mercutio: Any man that can writa may answar a lattar.
Benvolio: Just shut up.
[Enter ROMEO]
Benvolio: Oh, thank God, you’re here.
Mercutio: Without his roa, lika a driad harring. O flash, flash-
Benvolio: SHUT UP!
Romeo: Good day to both of you. You seem like you’re in a good mood, Benvolio.
Benvolio: Shut up, or I’ll kill you too.
Romeo: Calm down, man.
Benvolio: -grumbles-
[Enter NURSE and her man that she doesn’t need, PETER]
Change: "If Peter were Peter Parker"
Nurse: Peter!
Peter: Hiya! I wasn’t going to change into Spider-Man or anything…heh heh…
Nurse: Peter, I don’t got time for your Marvel BS.
Peter: Right, Nurse.
Nurse: Let’s get this over with, because the thing about long discussions is that ain’t nobody got time for that. Do you love Juliet?
Romeo: With all my heart and certain organs.
Nurse: OH LAWDY.
Romeo: What? I was talking about my pancreas.
Peter: Of course you were.
Romeo: Shut up, Spidey.
Nurse: Anyway, I’ll let Juliet know that you love her, and that you two should get married. Unlike me, she needs a man.
[Exit NURSE and PETER]
Scene 5:
Enter JULIET
Juliet: Where is that Nurse? She should be back by now. Where in God’s name is she?
[Enter NURSE and PETER]
Nurse: Spidey, you get your butt to the gate and stay there.
[Exit PETER]
Juliet: You look sad. What’s wrong? Bad news? What happened?
Nurse: Relax, girl, I’m just tired. It’s a long walk, and ain’t nobody got time for that.
Juliet: Whatever. What did Romeo say of marriage?
Nurse: He’s fine with it. He loves you with all his heart and pancreas.
Juliet: Pancreas?
Nurse: It was that, or something else that started with a ‘p.’
Juliet: Subtle.
Nurse: Anyway, for plot reasons, you and Romeo are to be married at Friar Laurence’s cell.
Juliet: Are you going to be there?
Nurse: Ain’t nobody got time for that!
[Exeunt]
Scene 6:
Enter FRIAR LAURENCE and ROMEO.
Friar: All the rules in the world were made by someone no smarter than you. So make your own.
Romeo: Would you stop that?
[FRIAR shakes his head, with pleading in his eyes. He doesn’t want this. He’s been forced into this by a sadistic writer. He begs for death.]
[Enter JULIET]
Romeo: Hey, gorgeous.
Juliet: Hey, person who loves me with their pancreas.
Romeo: What?
Juliet: Isn’t that what you said?
Romeo: -thumbs through script- Oh right.
Friar: If a book store runs out of a certain book, does that mean everybody reads it or nobody reads it?
Juliet: What?
Romeo: Just go with it. Anyway, we’re getting married!
Juliet: Yay! Even though we met each other literally a day or two ago and barely know each other, let’s spend the rest of our lives together!
Romeo: Yeah! This totally makes sense!
[Exeunt]
Act 3:
Scene 1:
Enter MERCUTION, BENVOLIO, and MEN.
Benvolio: We should really be going, Mercutio. It’s hot outside, and there are Capulets about.
Mercutio: Thou art like ona of thasa fallows that, whan ha antars tha confinas of a tavarn, claps ma his sword on the tabla and says, "God sand ma no naad of thaa!" and by tha oparation of tha sacond cup draws him on tha drawar, whan indaad thara is no naad.
Benvolio: …I have no idea why I keep getting paired with you.
Mercutio: Coma, coma, thou art-
Benvolio: Stop. Just…stop…
[Enter TYBALT and others]
Benvolio: Oh. Wonderful. A Capulet.
Mercutio: By my haal, I cara not.
Tybalt: Follow me close, for I will speak o hem. Genlemen, good-den. A word wih one of you.
Benvolio: Oh no, another one.
Tybalt: You shall find me ap enough to ha, sir, and you will give me occasion.
Mercutio: Could you not taka soma occasion without giving?
Benvolio: STOOOOPPPP!
[Enter ROMEO]
Tybalt: Well, peace be wih you, sir. Here comes my man.
Mercutio: But I’ll ba hangad, sir, if he waar your livary. Marry, go bafora to fiald, ha’ll ba your followar! Your worship in that sansa may call him man.
Tybalt: Romeo, he love I bear hee can afford no beer erms han his; hou ar a villain.
Romeo: What’s going on? You love me, and are calling me a villain?
Benvolio: Tybalt wants to fight you.
Romeo: Oh.
Benvolio: But Mercutio is going to fight him, and get killed. And, oh, look at that, he’s dead. And Tybalt’s gone. Oh, wait, he’s back. And now you have to kill him.
Romeo: Why? And why do you not seem to care?
Benvolio: You need to kill him for the plot, and honestly, Mercutio was getting annoying.
Romeo: Oh, ok.
[ROMEO stabs TYBALT, killing him.]
Romeo: Well, that was surprisingly easy.
Benvolio: Yeah, but it will open a huge can of worms for you.
[Exit ROMEO]
[Enter CITIZENS and SPIDER-MAN]
Citizen: Where’s the one who killed Mercutio? Oh, wait, there he is…oh my…
Spider-Man: If only I’d been here sooner, I could’ve prevented all of this. But the plot won’t even allow me to get the one who killed Tybalt. So, I must stay here and wallow in self-pity.
Citizen: Classic Spidey.
[Enter PRINCE, old MONTAGUE, CAPULET, their WIVES, and all]
Prince: nuqDaq ghaH vile beginners fray?
Citizen: If you’re asking who murdered these people, it was him! It was Spider-Man!
Spider-Man: I literally just got here.
Benvolio: Spidey’s right. He wasn’t a part of this; he just got here and collapsed into a puddle of self-pity. No, Tybalt killed Mercutio, then Romeo killed Tybalt, because Tybalt’s a murdering slime who we’re better off without.
Lady Capulet: Not Tybalt! He was my cousin! NOOOOO!
Prince: ghaH slew romeo; mercutio slew ghaH. 'Iv DaH owe DIHom 'Iw 'ay'?
Montague: …what?
Prince: 'ej HeS Data''a' SIbI' ghaH ghIm maH yIDoH Ha': pumta' muS 'a qaSpa' Sanmaj vIghaj, Doch brawls 'Iw yIlan-regh; 'ach SoH amerce jIH vaj HoS maj 'e' vIghaj loss vaj Hoch tIjunchoH je SoH: ghaH 'e' pleading excuses 'ej QoyQo'bogh; 'ej vaj je' tears prayers 'ej ghong: vaj pagh lo': romeo yIDoH Ha' yInISQo' qaStaHvIS len, latlh, HeghDI' 'oghbogh, rep Qav. lom SIQ yIDoH Ha' 'ej wanI'vammo' attend. Qo'noS pung 'ach chot nuv HoH 'e' vIqoy'moH.
Montague: Seriously, what?
Citizen: Romeo’s being banished for murder.
Montague: Oh. Wait, what?!
Citizen: Yeah, I know, it’s stupid. It was obviously Spider-Man.
Spider-Man: Seriously. Stop blaming me. I didn’t kill them.
Citizen: Just like you didn’t kill George Stacy?
Spider-Man: Yeah.
Citizen: I’ve got my eye on you.
Spider-Man: You and the NSA.
Benvolio:…Why are you even here?
[Exeunt]
Scene 2:
Enter JULIET alone.
Juliet: Blah blah blah, speech, speech, speech, etc. etc., etc.
[Enter NURSE]
Juliet: Where have you been, and what’s going on?
Nurse: Romeo’s dead, he’s dead.
Juliet: What?
Nurse: HE’S DEAD. Oh, God in heaven, he’s dead.
Juliet: I leave him alone for 5 minutes, and he goes and dies.
Nurse: Wait, actually, he was exiled. He killed Tybalt.
Juliet: Well, at least he’s not dead and- HE’S EXILED?! AND HE KILLED TYBALT?!
Nurse: Yes.
Juliet: Oh, he’ll wish he were dead when I see him again. Of course, being exiled and all, that may take a while, but I’m still angry.
Nurse: Don’t you worry, I’ll find him.
Scene 3:
Change: "If the Friar no longer talked like Jaden Smith from Twitter"
Enter FRIAR LAURENCE
Friar: I’m…I’m free. I’M FREE! WOO-HOO! No longer must I talk like a stoned philosopher! Oh, this is amazing!
[Enter ROMEO]
Romeo: Father, what has the Prince said? What’s going to happen to me?
Friar: Well, you’re not going to die. No, you’re going to be banished.
Romeo: Oh, ok…wait, what?!
Friar: Yep. Banished.
Romeo: NOOOOO! I’m going to kill myself! –gets out dagger-
Friar: Don’t be such a wuss. Don’t worry, I’ve got a plan.
Romeo: Alright. Shoot.
Friar: You go to Mantua, I’ll announce your marriage, and everything will blow over.
Romeo: ….that’s stupid. I’ll go with it!
Friar: Splendid.
Romeo: So, umm…
Friar: Why is this scene still going?
Romeo: No ide-
Scene 4:
Enter old CAPULET, his wife, LADY CAPULET, and PARIS.
Capulet: Let’s just get this over with already.
Paris: Yes…let’s get this…play…over with al…ready.
Capulet: Why are you complaining? You didn’t even have many scenes.
Paris: That is…true. But…neither did…you.
Capulet: …I hate you so much right now. In fact, you know what, you can’t marry my daughter, you sick pedophile. Go and Star Trek your toupee’d butt out of here.
And…that’s it. Paris goes and does his own stuff, Romeo and Juliet never kill themselves, and instead do their own thing, meet other people, and occasionally look back upon this time thinking, "Wow, I actually thought about suicide. How silly of me, and what an overreaction." The two families eventually made peace after realizing that Romeo and Juliet were married, and that nobody really liked Tybalt and Mercutio. After they made peace, the marriage of Romeo and Juliet was annulled, since these are teenagers, and it’s stupid to marry off teenagers.
The end.
ACT 1:
Scene 1:
Change: "If Sampson talked like a doge"
Enter SAMPSON and GREGORY, of the house of Capulet, with swords and shield.
Samspon: Wow. Such coals. Don’t want to carry.
Gregory: Samspon, are you ok?
Samspon: Wow. Such worry. Very scare.
Gregory: -sigh-
Samspon: Wow. Such sigh. Much exasperation.
Greory: Samspon, just shut up.
Sampson: Wow. Such-
Gregory: Quiet! Look!
[Enter two other servingmen, ABRAM and BALTHASAR]
Sampson: Wow. Such servingmen. Very fight.
Gregory: Shut up or I will stab you. Now let’s go to the right side of the road and glare angrily at them.
Abram: Excuse me, do you have a problem?
Gregory: I don’t, but Sampson does.
Sampson: Wow. Such problem. Much issues.
Abram: You’re right.
Gregory: But, I do have a problem with you.
Abram: You want to fight?
Gregory: Not especially, but the plot says that we have to.
[Enter BENVOLIO]
Gregory: Hey, look, one of my master’s kinsmen.
Sampson: Wow. Such Tybalt. Much distance.
Gregory: Didn’t I tell you to shut up?
Sampson: Wow.
Abram: You lie.
Gregory: Whatever. Let’s fight!
[They fight]
Benvolio: Stop, you idiots! Stop fighting!
[Enter TYBALT]
Change: "If Tybalt talked like he did in the original play, but without using the letter ‘t’"
Tybalt: Wha, ar hou drawn among hese hearless hinds? Urn hee, Benvolio; look upon hy deah.
Benvolio:…What?
Tybalt: Wha, drawn, and alk of peace? I hae the word. As I hae hell, all Monagues, and hee. Have at hee, coward!
Benvolio: -looks at Abram- Do you have any idea what he’s talking about?
Abram: I think he wants you to fight.
Benvolio: Oh. Ok.
[They fight]
[Enter an OFFICER, and three or four CITIZENS armed with clubs, bills, and spears]
Officer: Alright everyone, beat up the Montagues and the Capulets!
[Enter RANDOM CITIZEN]
Random Citizen: Aren’t you a police officer? Shouldn’t you be discouraging violence? I mean, they’re not black.
Officer: What’s that supposed to mean?
Random Citizen: Nothing, nothing.
[Enter old CAPULET, in his gown, and his wife, LADY CAPULET]
Capulet: What’s going on? Get me my sword!
Lady Capulet: Don’t you mean crutch?
Capulet: No, sword! Montague has come, and wants a fight! Well, I’ll give him a-
[Capulet falls down, asleep]
[Enter old MONTAGUE and his wife, LADY MONTAGUE]
Montague: You Capulets, always stirring up trouble! I’ll kill all of you! Let go of me, woman!
Lady Montague: No. You’ll probably get killed.
[Enter PRINCE ESCALUS, with his TRAIN]
Change: "If the Prince spoke in Klingon…ish"
Prince: jagh tam, neighbour-nguvmoH yoDSutlIj naQ, profaners — not luQoyDI'? nuq, QI'yaH! SoH loD, SoH beasts, wa' rage qul merlu'taH Doq 'ej SuD fountains vo' tel ghIDIna wanI'vammo' tlha', be'joy'. ghaH vo' ghop bloody ‘oy’ mistemper chuH yav, ghaj nuH je vIH joH mu'tlhegh. yergho HurDaq QojmeH wej civil brawls, mu' airy. SoHvaD, ngo' capulet, je montague. thrice streets yImev Suj, 'ej chenmoH verona tIQ rewbe' woDlu'chugh pong mol beseeming ornaments. partisans qan, qaStaHvIS ben law' ghop Qach, vaj canker je roj. ghaH 'ay' HaSta chu' canker: vaj reH streets Suj SoH jatlhqa', tam forfeit vaj yIDIl yInlIj. poH, mej meqchaj Hoch Ha': SoH capulet; vaj SIbI' along with jIHvaD: je montague SoH Ha' loDvetlh, qaStaHvIS bel Sovlu'chugh je beQDaq case, ngo' tlhab-veng SuvwI', common layerteS-Daq. wa'logh vI'Iprup 'oy'
Hegh, tlheD loD Hoch.
Montague:…what?
Lady Capulet: He wants us all to meet at some dinner later, I think.
Montague: Oh.
[Exit all but MONTAGUE, LADY MONTAGUE, and BENVOLIO]
Montague: Alright, who started this fight? Were you here when it began, nephew?
Benvolio: Yep. Servants of the Capulets – one who spoke really oddly – approached. They fought some of our guys, until I told them to stop. Then that idiot Tybalt came, and talked really oddly. Seriously, the Capulets have some sort of issue talking. Anyway, we fought until the Prince dropped by and said something.
Lady Montague: Hey, have you seen Romeo?
Benvolio: Yeah, he’s being all alone and stuff.
Lady Montague: Do you know why?
Benvolio: No idea. Do you, uncle?
Montague: No, I do not. You should find out.
[Enter ROMEO]
Benvolio: Hey, here he comes.
Montague: We should be going. Come, honey.
[Exeunt MONTAGUE and LADY MONTAGUE]
Benvolio: Hi, cousin.
Romeo: -sigh- Hi.
Benvolio: Why are you so depressed and withdrawn?
Romeo: Because of love.
Benvolio: Love?
Romeo: Yeah. Love is like an open door that suddenly closes in your face. Love is never ending pain, punctuated by brief respites of beauty.
Benvolio: Who is it?
Romeo: What?
Benvolio: Who is it? Who are you in love with, and why did she reject you?
Romeo: Does it matter?
Benvolio: Nope. Because we’re going to find you a new girl.
Romeo: But I love her!
Benvolio: Dude, she rejected you. She’s not worth your time.
Romeo: But-
Benvolio: Listen, I’ll find you a new girl. I’ll be your wingman.
Romeo: But I love her.
Benvolio: I’ll help you get over her.
Romeo: I doubt you will.
Benvolio: -smiles- Challenge accepted.
Scene 2:
Enter CAPULET, COUNT PARIS, and the clown, his SERVANT.
Change: "If Paris was William Shatner and the Servant was the Heath Ledger Joker."
Capulet: So Montague and I have to keep the peace. Shouldn’t be too hard, considering we’re both old farts.
Paris: You are both of…honorable reckoning. It’s…a shame…that…you have…lived at odds for…so long. What say you to letting me marry your…daughter?
Capulet: ..What’s wrong with you?
Paris: I…don’t know what…you mean.
Capulet: Okkkkk. Anyway, I happen to think that Juliet’s a little young to be a bride. She’s not even 14 yet! This is pedophilia!
Paris: Not…in this…time period.
Capulet: Good point. Well, I happen to be just a tad overprotective of my daughter – after all, she’s my only one – so I’ll make you a deal. I’m throwing a party. If Juliet meets you and likes you, you can have her, and all that comes with her.
[To SERVANT, giving him a paper]
Go, my servant. Go through Verona, and find those who are on this list.
Servant: If you’re good at something, never do it for free.
Capulet: Listen, you do this, or I’ll give you more scars.
[Exit with PARIS]
Servant: Wait…I can’t read.
[Enter BENVOLIO and ROMEO]
Benvolio: So, we need to get you a girl.
Romeo: No you need to get me alcohol.
Benvolio: No. No way. No matter how depressed you are, I’m not letting you become an alcoholic. That adds more problems rather than solves them.
[This has been a PSA, courtesy Benvolio, Romeo, and our fabulous writer, Dorkpool.]
Servant: Do you guys want to know how I got these scars?
Benvolio: Ummm…what?
Servant: Er, do any of you know how to read?
Romeo: I do.
Servant: Why so serious?
Romeo: What?
Servant: Er…read the letter.
Romeo: There’s just a picture of a pe-
Servant: TURN IT OVER TURN IT OVER!
Romeo:
[He reads the letter]
"Signior Martino and his wife and daughters;
Count Anselm and his beauteous sisters-"
Benvolio: I think whoever wrote this has a thing for Count Anselm’s sisters.
Romeo: "The lady widow of Vitruvio;
Signior Placentio and his lovely nieces;
Mercutio and his brother Valentine;
Mine uncle Capulet, his wife and daughters;
My fair niece Rosaline; Livia;
Signior Valentio and his cousin Tybalt;
Lucio and the lively Helena."
That’s a lot of people. Where’s the party?
Servant: Up.
Romeo: Where? To dinner?
Servant: To our house.
Romeo: Whose house?
Servant: The Batman’s.
Romeo: What?
Servant:…Er, my master’s.
Romeo: I probably should’ve asked you that before.
Servant: In case you’re wondering, my master is of the house of Capulet. You can come as long as you aren’t Montagues.
Benvolio: (nervously) No, we’re not Montagues, heh heh. Nope, we’re so totally not Montagues.
Servant: Good.
[Exit]
Benvolio: So…Rosaline?
Romeo: …Yes…
Benvolio: Well, she’s going to be at this party. You should come. Perhaps you can meet someone else too.
Romeo: I’ll come, but only to see Rosaline.
[Exeunt]
Scene 3:
Enter Capulet’s wife, LADY CAPULET, and NURSE.
Change: "If the Nurse were a strong, independent black woman who don’t need no man."
Lady Capulet: Nurse, where’s my daughter? Call her for me.
Nurse: Juliet, get your butt down here right now!
[Enter JULIET]
Juliet: What’s going on? Who wants me?
Nurse: Your mom.
Juliet: Mother, I’m here. What is it?
Lady Capulet: Nurse, go away. Juliet and I must talk in private. Actually, on second thought, come back here.
Nurse: Make up your mind.
Lady Capulet: Stay here. You should hear my counsel. You know my daughter is of an age to be married.
Nurse: Girl, I know Juliet’s age. She’s fourteen.
Lady Capulet: She’s not fourteen.
Nurse: I know that girl’s age. I know that girl better than you. I breast fed that girl! Mm-hm! While you went on and did your royal stuff, I stayed here and nursed that girl! Thank the Lord I don’t have a husband or family – I’m a strong, independent black woman, and I don’t need no man!
Lady Capulet: I know. It says you are in the "Change" part.
Nurse: -thumbs through script- Well then.
Lady Capulet: Yeah. Anyway, I need to tell Juliet something.
Juliet: What, mother?
Lady Capulet: Well, there’s going to be a party. A nice man named Paris will be there. If you happen to meet him and like him, you two will get married.
Juliet: Ok.
Lady Capulet: Great.
Scene 4:
Enter ROMEO, MERCUTIO, BENVOLIO, with five or six other MASKERS; TORCHBEARERS.
Romeo: What should be our excuse for going? Or shall we just not care?
Benvolio: Dude, you don’t need to do that. I really don’t think they’re going to care.
Romeo: Ok. Give me a torch. I’m all depressed and stuff, so I’ll hold it.
Change: "If Mercutio used the letter ‘a’ is place of ‘e’ and talked like he did in the original play"
Mercutio: Nay, gantla Romao, wa must hava you danca.
Romeo: …What?
Mercutio: You ara lovar. Borrow Cupid’s wings and soar with tham abova a common bound.
Romeo: Umm…ok?
Mercutio: And, to sink it in, should you burdan lova – too graat opprassion for a tandar thing.
Romeo: Seriously, what?
Mercutio: If lova ba rough with you, ba rough with lova; Prick lova for pricking, and you baat lova down. Giva me a casa to put my visaga in. A visor for a visor! What cara I. What curious aya quota daformitias? Hara tha baatlas brows shall blush for ma.
Benvolio: Ok then. Anyway, let’s go to the party.
Romeo: Hey, I still want a torch.
Mercutio: Tut! Dun’s tha mousa, tha constabla’s own word! If thou art Dun, wa’ll draw thaa from tha mira of this sir-ravaranca lova, wharain thou sickast upon to tha aars. Coma, wa burn daylight, ho!
Romeo: Did you just call me a hoe?
Mercutio: I maan, sir, in dalay. Wa wasta our lights in vain, like lights by day. Taka our good meaning, for our judgamant sits fiva timas in that ara onca in our fiva wits.
Romeo: What are you talking about? Are you ok?
Mercutio: Why, may ona ask?
Romeo: I think there’s a legitimate problem with you.
Mercutio: And so did I.
Romeo: So did you what?
Mercutio: That draamars often lia.
Romeo: Were you dropped as a baby?
Mercutio: O, than, I saa Quaan Mab hath baan with you. Sha is tha fairias' midwifa, and sha comas in shapa no biggar than an agata-stona on tha fora-fingar of an aldarman, drawn with a taam of littla atomias ovar man's nosas as thay lia aslaap; Har wagon-spokas mada of long spinnars' lags, tha covar of tha wings of grasshoppars, tha tracas of tha smallast spidar's wab,
tha collars of tha moonshina's watary baams, har whip of crickat's bona, tha lash of film, har wagonar a small gray-coatad gnat, not so big as a round littla worm, prick'd from tha lazy fingar of a maid; Har chariot is an ampty hazal-nut mada by tha joinar squirral or old grub, tima out o' mind tha fairias' coachmakars. and in this stata sha gallops night by night through lovars' brains, and than thay draam of lova; O'ar courtiars' knaas, that draam on court'sias straight, o'ar lawyars' fingars, who straight draam on faas, o’ar ladias ' lips, who straight on kissas draam, which oft tha angry Mab with blistars plaguas, bacausa thair braaths with swaatmaats taintad ara; Somatima sha gallops o'ar a courtiar's nosa, and than draams ha of smalling out a suit; and somatima comas sha with a titha-pig's tail tickling a parson's nosa as a' lias aslaap, than draams, ha of anothar banafica: Somatima sha drivath o'ar a soldiar's nack, and than draams ha of cutting foraign throats, of braachas, ambuscadoas, Spanish bladas, of haalths fiva-fathom daap; and than anon drums in his aar, at which ha starts and wakas, and baing thus frightad swaars a prayar or two and slaaps again. This is that vary Mab that plats tha manas of horsas in tha night,
and bakas tha alflocks in foul sluttish hairs, which onca untanglad, much misfortuna bodas:
This is tha hag, whan maids lia on thair backs, that prassas tham and laarns tham first to baar,
making tham woman of good carriaga.
Romeo: What? Just…what?
Meructio: Trua, I talk of draams-
Romeo: Stop. Just…stop. Let’s go to the party, shall we?
[They march about the stage and retire to one side.]
Scene 5:
Change: "If the scene was directed by M. Night Shyamalan."
[Enter ENTIRE CAST]
Romeo: Don’t you even try, or we’ll all kill you.
Change: "If the scene wasn’t directed by M. Night Shyamalan."
SERVINGMEN come forth with napkins
Change: "If the servingmen were only able to say, ‘Hail Hydra.’"
First Servingman: Hail Hydra.
Second Servingman: Hail Hydra?
First Servingman: Hail Hydra!
Second Servingman: Hail Hydra!
Third Servingman: Hail Hydra!
[Enter CAPULET, LADY CAPULET, JULIET, TYBALT, NURSE, and all the GUESTS and GENTLEWOMEN, meeting the MASKERS]
Capulet: Welcome, everyone, to the party! Have a good time! Meet some girls!
Romeo (to a SERVINGMAN): Who’s that beautiful lady over there?
Servingman: Hail Hydra.
Romeo: That’s helpful, thanks. But, by God, she’s amazing. I’ve never seen such beauty.
Tybalt: His, by his voice, should be a Monague. Fech me my rapier, boy. Wha! Dares he slave come hiher, covered with an anic face, o fleer and scorn a our solemniy? Now, by he sock and honor of my kin, o srike him dead I hold I no a sin.
Capulet: What?
Tybalt: Unlce, his is a Monague, our foe, a villain, ha is hiher come in spie o scorn a our solemniy his nigh.
Capulet: What are you talking about?
Tybalt: ‘Is he, ha villian Romeo.
Capulet: What about Romeo?
Tyabalt: I fis when such a villain is a gues.
Capulet: You’re making no sense.
Tybalt: Why, uncle, is a shame.
Capulet: What’s a shame?
Tybalt: Paience perforce with willful choler meeing makes my flesh remble in heir differen greeing. I will wihdraw; bu his inrusion shall, now seeming swee, conver to bi’res gall.
[Exit]
Romeo: Hey there, you look nice. Mind if I kiss your hand?
Juliet: For plot reasons, sure, you can kiss my hand.
Romeo: Want to go further?
Juliet: How much further?
[Romeo kisses her, and they start making out]
Nurse: Juliet, your mother craves a word with you – AND OH, SWEET JESUS!
Juliet: -frantically puts back on her clothes- I’ll be with her.
Nurse: Oh, lawdy. Oh, lawdy. Who is this?
Romeo: I’m…uh… Romeo.
Nurse: Of the house of Montague?
Romeo: …yes.
Nurse: OH LAWDY!
Romeo: What?
Juliet: I’m a Capulet.
Romeo: OH GOD.
Juliet: We should be going. Nice seeing you, Romeo. Hope to see you again.
[Exeunt]
Act 2:
Scene 1:
Enter ROMEO alone.
Romeo: Should I go forward, and find Juliet?
[Enter BENVOLIO with MERCUTIO. ROMEO retires]
Benvolio: YOOOO! ROMEO! MY COUSIN ROMEO!
Mercutio: And, on my lifa, hat stol’n him homa to bad.
Benvolio: …What?
Mercutio: Nay, I’ll conjura too. Romao! Humors! Madman! Passion! Lovar! Appaar thou in tha likanass of a sigh; spaak but-
Benvolio: Just stop. Let Romeo seek out the girl he was getting naughty with.
[Exit with others]
Scene 2:
[Enter JULIET at a window]
Romeo: Wow, she’s beautiful. And has a very revealing dress. Oh my. Oh yes. I do like this.
Juliet: Romeo, oh Romeo, why do you have to be Romeo? Seriously, why couldn’t you be Romeo Smith rather than Romeo Montague? Whatever. Please ignore your family. Or if you won’t, I’ll ignore mine, as long as you do love me.
Romeo: Juliet, I’m over here!
Juliet: Romeo? You’re here? Watching me while I’m barely dressed and giving a soliloquy?
Romeo: …Ummm, yeah.
Juliet: Good thing you’re cute, because what you’re doing is pretty much stalking.
Romeo: I’m actually not stalking you. That faceless guy in the suit is, however.
Slender Man: Hi!
Juliet: Oh no.
Slender Man: I’m going now.
[Exit SLENDER MAN]
Romeo: Ok, good. I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel like getting abducted by a faceless guy.
Juliet: I don’t either.
Romeo: I’d say a whole bunch of stuff about your beauty and such, but that’s been done to death in the original play. And besides, you probably get a lot of that.
Juliet: Actually, I don’t. Mostly because I haven’t been with any guys.
Romeo: Oh, you’re a lesb-
Juliet: No, that’s not what I mean.
Romeo: Oh. What do you mean?
Juliet: My father’s overprotective.
Romeo: Ah. I can see how that might be a problem in your love life.
Juliet: But then you came along.
Romeo: Along came a Romeo.
Juliet: It’s a shame that you’re a Montague.
Romeo: Well, if I were a Capulet, that’d be intermarriage. I think that’s ok in this time period, but it’s still weird.
Juliet: Anyway, the plot needs to move on. At some point, if you love me, let the Nurse know. And we can get married.
Romeo: Sounds like a plan.
[Exit]
Scene 3:
Change: "If Friar Laurence was Jaden Smith as personified by Twitter"
Enter FRIAR LAURENCE alone, and with a basket.
Friar: How can mirrors be real if our eyes aren’t real? That’s a question.
[Enter Romeo]
Romeo: Hiya, Father.
Friar: Benedicite!
Romeo: Gezundheit.
Friar: If newborn babies could speak, they’d be the most intelligent people on planet Earth.
Romeo: Ummm…what?
Friar: If everybody in the world dropped out of school, we would have a much more intelligent society.
Romeo: Are you on something? I know you experiment with homeopathic remedies, but I think you’re doing something more with plants.
Friar: Trees are never sad. Look at them once in a while, they’re quite beautiful.
Romeo: Listen, I came to ask if you would officiate the wedding of Juliet Capulet and I.
Friar: -nods-
Romeo: Ok, good. I’m going before you say something else weird.
Friar: When I die, then you’ll realize.
[Exeunt]
Scene 4:
Enter MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO
Mercutio: Whara tha davil should this Romao ba? Cama ha not homa tonight?
Benvolio: What?
Mercutio: Why, that sama pala hardhaartad wanch, that Rosalina. Tormants him so that ha will sura run mad.
Benvolio: I seriously have no idea what in God’s name you are talking about. Are you ok?
Mercutio: A challanga, on my lifa.
Benvolio: Would killing you be a bit of an overreaction?
Mercutio: Any man that can writa may answar a lattar.
Benvolio: Just shut up.
[Enter ROMEO]
Benvolio: Oh, thank God, you’re here.
Mercutio: Without his roa, lika a driad harring. O flash, flash-
Benvolio: SHUT UP!
Romeo: Good day to both of you. You seem like you’re in a good mood, Benvolio.
Benvolio: Shut up, or I’ll kill you too.
Romeo: Calm down, man.
Benvolio: -grumbles-
[Enter NURSE and her man that she doesn’t need, PETER]
Change: "If Peter were Peter Parker"
Nurse: Peter!
Peter: Hiya! I wasn’t going to change into Spider-Man or anything…heh heh…
Nurse: Peter, I don’t got time for your Marvel BS.
Peter: Right, Nurse.
Nurse: Let’s get this over with, because the thing about long discussions is that ain’t nobody got time for that. Do you love Juliet?
Romeo: With all my heart and certain organs.
Nurse: OH LAWDY.
Romeo: What? I was talking about my pancreas.
Peter: Of course you were.
Romeo: Shut up, Spidey.
Nurse: Anyway, I’ll let Juliet know that you love her, and that you two should get married. Unlike me, she needs a man.
[Exit NURSE and PETER]
Scene 5:
Enter JULIET
Juliet: Where is that Nurse? She should be back by now. Where in God’s name is she?
[Enter NURSE and PETER]
Nurse: Spidey, you get your butt to the gate and stay there.
[Exit PETER]
Juliet: You look sad. What’s wrong? Bad news? What happened?
Nurse: Relax, girl, I’m just tired. It’s a long walk, and ain’t nobody got time for that.
Juliet: Whatever. What did Romeo say of marriage?
Nurse: He’s fine with it. He loves you with all his heart and pancreas.
Juliet: Pancreas?
Nurse: It was that, or something else that started with a ‘p.’
Juliet: Subtle.
Nurse: Anyway, for plot reasons, you and Romeo are to be married at Friar Laurence’s cell.
Juliet: Are you going to be there?
Nurse: Ain’t nobody got time for that!
[Exeunt]
Scene 6:
Enter FRIAR LAURENCE and ROMEO.
Friar: All the rules in the world were made by someone no smarter than you. So make your own.
Romeo: Would you stop that?
[FRIAR shakes his head, with pleading in his eyes. He doesn’t want this. He’s been forced into this by a sadistic writer. He begs for death.]
[Enter JULIET]
Romeo: Hey, gorgeous.
Juliet: Hey, person who loves me with their pancreas.
Romeo: What?
Juliet: Isn’t that what you said?
Romeo: -thumbs through script- Oh right.
Friar: If a book store runs out of a certain book, does that mean everybody reads it or nobody reads it?
Juliet: What?
Romeo: Just go with it. Anyway, we’re getting married!
Juliet: Yay! Even though we met each other literally a day or two ago and barely know each other, let’s spend the rest of our lives together!
Romeo: Yeah! This totally makes sense!
[Exeunt]
Act 3:
Scene 1:
Enter MERCUTION, BENVOLIO, and MEN.
Benvolio: We should really be going, Mercutio. It’s hot outside, and there are Capulets about.
Mercutio: Thou art like ona of thasa fallows that, whan ha antars tha confinas of a tavarn, claps ma his sword on the tabla and says, "God sand ma no naad of thaa!" and by tha oparation of tha sacond cup draws him on tha drawar, whan indaad thara is no naad.
Benvolio: …I have no idea why I keep getting paired with you.
Mercutio: Coma, coma, thou art-
Benvolio: Stop. Just…stop…
[Enter TYBALT and others]
Benvolio: Oh. Wonderful. A Capulet.
Mercutio: By my haal, I cara not.
Tybalt: Follow me close, for I will speak o hem. Genlemen, good-den. A word wih one of you.
Benvolio: Oh no, another one.
Tybalt: You shall find me ap enough to ha, sir, and you will give me occasion.
Mercutio: Could you not taka soma occasion without giving?
Benvolio: STOOOOPPPP!
[Enter ROMEO]
Tybalt: Well, peace be wih you, sir. Here comes my man.
Mercutio: But I’ll ba hangad, sir, if he waar your livary. Marry, go bafora to fiald, ha’ll ba your followar! Your worship in that sansa may call him man.
Tybalt: Romeo, he love I bear hee can afford no beer erms han his; hou ar a villain.
Romeo: What’s going on? You love me, and are calling me a villain?
Benvolio: Tybalt wants to fight you.
Romeo: Oh.
Benvolio: But Mercutio is going to fight him, and get killed. And, oh, look at that, he’s dead. And Tybalt’s gone. Oh, wait, he’s back. And now you have to kill him.
Romeo: Why? And why do you not seem to care?
Benvolio: You need to kill him for the plot, and honestly, Mercutio was getting annoying.
Romeo: Oh, ok.
[ROMEO stabs TYBALT, killing him.]
Romeo: Well, that was surprisingly easy.
Benvolio: Yeah, but it will open a huge can of worms for you.
[Exit ROMEO]
[Enter CITIZENS and SPIDER-MAN]
Citizen: Where’s the one who killed Mercutio? Oh, wait, there he is…oh my…
Spider-Man: If only I’d been here sooner, I could’ve prevented all of this. But the plot won’t even allow me to get the one who killed Tybalt. So, I must stay here and wallow in self-pity.
Citizen: Classic Spidey.
[Enter PRINCE, old MONTAGUE, CAPULET, their WIVES, and all]
Prince: nuqDaq ghaH vile beginners fray?
Citizen: If you’re asking who murdered these people, it was him! It was Spider-Man!
Spider-Man: I literally just got here.
Benvolio: Spidey’s right. He wasn’t a part of this; he just got here and collapsed into a puddle of self-pity. No, Tybalt killed Mercutio, then Romeo killed Tybalt, because Tybalt’s a murdering slime who we’re better off without.
Lady Capulet: Not Tybalt! He was my cousin! NOOOOO!
Prince: ghaH slew romeo; mercutio slew ghaH. 'Iv DaH owe DIHom 'Iw 'ay'?
Montague: …what?
Prince: 'ej HeS Data''a' SIbI' ghaH ghIm maH yIDoH Ha': pumta' muS 'a qaSpa' Sanmaj vIghaj, Doch brawls 'Iw yIlan-regh; 'ach SoH amerce jIH vaj HoS maj 'e' vIghaj loss vaj Hoch tIjunchoH je SoH: ghaH 'e' pleading excuses 'ej QoyQo'bogh; 'ej vaj je' tears prayers 'ej ghong: vaj pagh lo': romeo yIDoH Ha' yInISQo' qaStaHvIS len, latlh, HeghDI' 'oghbogh, rep Qav. lom SIQ yIDoH Ha' 'ej wanI'vammo' attend. Qo'noS pung 'ach chot nuv HoH 'e' vIqoy'moH.
Montague: Seriously, what?
Citizen: Romeo’s being banished for murder.
Montague: Oh. Wait, what?!
Citizen: Yeah, I know, it’s stupid. It was obviously Spider-Man.
Spider-Man: Seriously. Stop blaming me. I didn’t kill them.
Citizen: Just like you didn’t kill George Stacy?
Spider-Man: Yeah.
Citizen: I’ve got my eye on you.
Spider-Man: You and the NSA.
Benvolio:…Why are you even here?
[Exeunt]
Scene 2:
Enter JULIET alone.
Juliet: Blah blah blah, speech, speech, speech, etc. etc., etc.
[Enter NURSE]
Juliet: Where have you been, and what’s going on?
Nurse: Romeo’s dead, he’s dead.
Juliet: What?
Nurse: HE’S DEAD. Oh, God in heaven, he’s dead.
Juliet: I leave him alone for 5 minutes, and he goes and dies.
Nurse: Wait, actually, he was exiled. He killed Tybalt.
Juliet: Well, at least he’s not dead and- HE’S EXILED?! AND HE KILLED TYBALT?!
Nurse: Yes.
Juliet: Oh, he’ll wish he were dead when I see him again. Of course, being exiled and all, that may take a while, but I’m still angry.
Nurse: Don’t you worry, I’ll find him.
Scene 3:
Change: "If the Friar no longer talked like Jaden Smith from Twitter"
Enter FRIAR LAURENCE
Friar: I’m…I’m free. I’M FREE! WOO-HOO! No longer must I talk like a stoned philosopher! Oh, this is amazing!
[Enter ROMEO]
Romeo: Father, what has the Prince said? What’s going to happen to me?
Friar: Well, you’re not going to die. No, you’re going to be banished.
Romeo: Oh, ok…wait, what?!
Friar: Yep. Banished.
Romeo: NOOOOO! I’m going to kill myself! –gets out dagger-
Friar: Don’t be such a wuss. Don’t worry, I’ve got a plan.
Romeo: Alright. Shoot.
Friar: You go to Mantua, I’ll announce your marriage, and everything will blow over.
Romeo: ….that’s stupid. I’ll go with it!
Friar: Splendid.
Romeo: So, umm…
Friar: Why is this scene still going?
Romeo: No ide-
Scene 4:
Enter old CAPULET, his wife, LADY CAPULET, and PARIS.
Capulet: Let’s just get this over with already.
Paris: Yes…let’s get this…play…over with al…ready.
Capulet: Why are you complaining? You didn’t even have many scenes.
Paris: That is…true. But…neither did…you.
Capulet: …I hate you so much right now. In fact, you know what, you can’t marry my daughter, you sick pedophile. Go and Star Trek your toupee’d butt out of here.
And…that’s it. Paris goes and does his own stuff, Romeo and Juliet never kill themselves, and instead do their own thing, meet other people, and occasionally look back upon this time thinking, "Wow, I actually thought about suicide. How silly of me, and what an overreaction." The two families eventually made peace after realizing that Romeo and Juliet were married, and that nobody really liked Tybalt and Mercutio. After they made peace, the marriage of Romeo and Juliet was annulled, since these are teenagers, and it’s stupid to marry off teenagers.
The end.